Computing Feature : the new language, JC

Revelationary programming language

The history of computer languages is long and complex. The early high-level languages such as COBOL (for business) and FORTRAN (for science/engineering) are still with us today. There is are beginners' languages BASIC and Pascal, and the more modern languages such as C, C++, SmallTalk and Java. Many languages have sadly fallen by the wayside, or found their own niche, and are only known to specialists or enthusiasts, - APL, SNOBOL, Forth, Prolog and many others.

One interesting development has been the notion of genetic algorithms. This is the technique of using evolutionary models to allow a computer to rapidly home in on the best solution to a problem, by generating a number of possible solutions, and "breeding" together the "genes" of those that produce the best results is found. This is a neat way of solving problems that might otherwise be too complex or time-consuming to do easily any other way. Over thousands, maybe even millions of iterations, computer-controlled natural selection weeds out the genes that are no good, and keeps the ones that produce better results.

Clearly, this is an ABOMINATION in the eyes of the Lord, and something must be done about it before demons from the very pits of HELL ITSELF are swarming inside our computers. We know from the Holy Bible that evolution is a false lie, and so it is clearly impossible to base computer algorithms on Darwin's heresy.

Introducing JC - a new paradigm

That is where JC comes in. JC is a brand new computer language that has been designed to function not through genetic evolution, but through Divine Revelation. Now, good Christian computer programmers can code fully functioning Revelationary Algorithms that solve complex problems such as weather modelling, fluid dynamics, speech recognition and finite element analysis using the power of prayer and Divine Intervention.

Currently, versions of JC are available for Windows machines, but eventually it will be migrated entirely off of these evil systems, as Microsoft is owned by the atheist Bill Gates. A cross-platform operating system codenamed "Holy" is being developed purely for running JC applications.

Converting from old languages

In structure, JC appears quite similar to languages such as C, C++ and Java. Being among the most common languages in use, it was decided that this was the way to ensure a rapid take-up of JC. Code can be converted to JC at most participating local churches with a small ritual and blessing.

Example Code
A small example can demonstrate the awesome power and flexibility of JC, in quickly calculating the expected rainfall in millimeters for the state of Texas.

.
.
    /* Only accept input from moral users. */
    if( user.faith == Faiths.CHRISTIAN )
    {
        geography.region = USA.TEXAS;
        setCalculationType( RAINFALL_mm );
        setCalculationMonth( Calendar.OCTOBER, 1999 );

        // Prompt the user to lead the prayers
        messageBox( "Please initiate the calculations with
    	    a short prayer, then click OK" );
			
        waitInput( OKAY_BUTTON );

        messageBox( "Thank you. Now awaiting revelation from above.\n
            If result does not appear soon, click RETRY and pray again,
            but more sincerely this time." );

        // Now wait for Jesus to bless us with an answer.
        rainfall = waitRevelation( CHRIST.SAVIOUR );

        messageBox( "The LORD has blessed us with the answer ", rainfall,
    	    " millimeters. Praise him.");

   } else
   {
        Console.out("SECURITY ERROR : Filthy heathens are denied access.
    	            Please consider your immortal soul.");
        System.exit(-1);
   }
.
.
.

One problem with this code is that users must be believers, but with the advent of the Holy operating system, computers will only be sold to decent people anyway. It has also been noted that occasionally the revelation-gathering subroutines (waitRevelation(), waitIntervention(), miracle() and waitEndTimes() ) return apparently spurious or contradictory results. However, it clearly states in the programming manual that in such an event, the user should have faith that the Lord has given the correct data, if only they would have eyes to see it with. Answers such as "-infinity", "NotANumber", and "-812368987289" might require interpretation using scriptures, but to question their validity is to risk damnation.

A marketing team has been set up to extol the virtues of JC to various other countries, in the hope that they will realise the benefits and convert to the true religion of Christianity in order to use it in their future commercial projects.

The Christian Coding Corporation - saving your soul and your software.