The Ten Amendments

Dead Sea Scrolls researchers have recently uncovered the Dead Sea Scrolls Appendix A. EAC operatives have "acquired" copies of their preliminary findings, which are presented here for the first time.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. *
   * Except the Virgin Mary, and all the Saints. Feel free to treat them as if they were gods.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.... Thou shalt not bow down thyself nor serve them...*
   * Again, statuettes of Mary are exempt (especially weeping/bleeding/oozing ones), as are ornate carvings of My Son on the Cross. Oh, and pretty stained-glass windows. I like them.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain. *
   * Without mitigating circumstances, such as whacking your thumb with a hammer. I've even done it Myself!

4. Remember the sabbath day to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work. *
   * Preaching on a Sunday morning is exempt from this, as is running God-fearing cable-TV stations.

5. Honour thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long upon the land... *
   * Jesus always sent a Mother's Day card, so you better had too!

6. Thou shalt not murder. *
   * Unless it is done in My name, or I am on your side.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. *
   * Unless you're a King, in which case I give you Divine Right to do whatever the heck you like. If you get caught you can always blub in public and say that you know I forgive you.

8. Thou shalt not steal. *
   * Taking 10% of the earnings of the poor to build enormous cathedrals and fill them with gold baubles is not counted as stealing.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. *
   * Unless it helps to spread My message to the infidels. Creationists - why let the facts get in the way of a good story?

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house / wife / manservant / maidservant / ox / ass. *
    * It's okay to covet their mental health, peace of mind, sense of humour, intellectual integrity, rationality of thought and unmatched sexiness, even if they are hellbound atheists.

© Adrian Barnett 1998
( There's so much mileage in the 10 Commandments, I couldn't resist doing another one 8). Thou shalt not muck about with the Ten Commandments? )