New product - The Bible Harness

Wasteland Strap-On Utensils and Religious Products Dept.

New this season:

Fed up with seeing and hearing the secular world around you? Distracted by attractive young people in temptingly tight clothes? Despairing at the sinful nature of co-workers? Horrified at the anti-christian teaching of evolution and critical thinking?

Worry no more! The Bible Harness is now available.

This high quality harness has been hand-crafted from soft yet strong leather (also available in simulated-leather for vegetarians), and is easily adjustable to accommodate a wide range of Bible weights and sizes, as well as head sizes. Suitable for holding all interpretations and rewrites of the infallible ancient scriptures, from the New King James version to the Book Of Mormon.

This elegant and unobtrusive construction of straps and heavy buckles allows you to tightly clamp your Bible over your face, completely obscuring the outside world and filling your entire field of view with your favourite passages from the Good Book. The optional earplugs enable you to also eradicate the worldly sounds that would otherwise distract you from your careful contemplation of the Holy texts. You can wear it to work, at the shops, around the house or even while you sleep, Be the first person in your Church or classroom to have one.

The Bible Harness has many uses, including:

Introducing recalcitrant children to the Word of the Lord.
Avoiding any form of meaningful debate with evolutionists.
Never having to think for yourself anymore.
Information filter. Prevents user seeing or hearing anything non-Biblical.
Discretely indicates to others that you are a fellow Christian, much like the Jesus-Fish sticker on your car.
Preventing your halitosis from offending others (if applicable).
Ignoring any so-called facts or evidence that may contradict the obvious truth of your beliefs.
Ideal for Internet debates in alt.atheism and talk.origins.
Protection from harmful UV light.
And many more!

No longer must you endure non-Bible-related visual stimuli.

The Bible Harness is already a bestseller with Televangelists, Young-Earth Creationists, small-town preachers and many others in the God-fearing, Bible-believing community. Get yours today, and spend your every waking moment reading the loving Words of our Creator.

As you can see, the Bible Harness is practically invisible when in use. The strong leather fastenings hold your face tightly to the Inspired Words, which gently cradle your nose and uplift your spirit.

Special Offer
If you purchase one for yourself and your spouse, we'll send you a third, child-size Harness for free! When worn to school, this will prevent your child from being indoctrinated with sinful, secular notions such as scientific literacy, false interpretations of the Bible, and grammar. Don't waste time - call today!

But wait! There's more!

For an extra $10, you can upgrade to a Deluxe Bible Harness, featuring embossed crosses on the straps, gold-plated buckles and a transparent pocket on the front into which you can insert a selection of cards for others to read, including such inspirational sayings as:

"Can't talk -
reading Bible."

"Have you been saved?
I have!"

"Bible Harness user.
Please speak slowly."

"I don't need to think -
I've got a Bible strapped to my face!"

and the ever popular
"Holier than thou?
You bet!"

Don't delay! Send for your Bible Harness today!

Warnings and legal notices:

Heavy machinery and vehicles should not be operated whilst wearing Bible Harness. If in doubt, pray for guidance.
If strapped on too tightly, Bible Harness may restrict blood flow to brain. If you experience nausea, dizziness, hallucinations, revelations or angelic visitations, loosen straps appropriately.
In some States, it is unfortunately still illegal to strap Bibles to the heads of unconsenting wives and children. If this is the case in your State, simply invoke the Religious Freedom Amendment and inform the police that they are burdening your expression of religion and you will be speaking to your lawyer immediately.
Children, pregnant mothers and those with heart conditions should not be strapped into any section of the Old Testament, and certain sections of the New Testament - see guide enclosed with your Harness.
The Bible Harness should not be used for strapping any other object to any other part of the body. Serious injury and sinning may result, especially if it feels good.