America Blessed By God

Many people dismissed it as an empty gesture - insincere Christian vote-grabbing or sucking up to the religious right. That all changed last night when the President ended a speech with his traditional heartfelt plea of "God bless you, and God bless America".

Within seconds of the broadcast ending, citizens looked up in astonishment as the clouds parted and a huge, ethereal, glowing Hand came down from, well, the Heavens. Picking up speed, the Hand Of God (for it was He) passed over the entire continent, touching houses, churches, schools, orphanages and courthouses, Blessing the entire country. Each building touched slowly began to glow with an unearthly Divine Light, signifying its newly-blessed status. Even the homes of Jews, atheists, Muslims, Hindus and other non-Christians received the Blessing, indicating that God loves all His children, no matter how mistaken or deluded they may be.

The military immediately went to a state of full nuclear readiness, fearing that the country was under attack from some unknown weapon, but as the Blessing passed over them it was quickly realised that they would never again need so much as a Swiss Army Knife, let alone thermonuclear warheads. The Glow Of God appears to be an impenetrable shield, protecting the good citizens from all evil as well as chemical/biological/nuclear attacks.

Following the Blessing, crime levels fell to zero within the hour, with many criminals handing themselves in to the police. The police were also quite surprised at the number of televangelists, "Holy Rollers" and priests of various denominations who turned themselves in, citing a enormous variety of crimes ranging from fraud, bigamy and deception to simple intellectual dishonesty. The ACLU dropped all its pending lawsuits intended for the removal of "The Ten Commandments" plaques from dozens of courthouses, and encouraged people to start putting them up as quickly as possible.

Bonfires began to light the streets of major cities as "instant converts" brought out their copies of the Qu'ran, Vedas, Torah and other non-Christian scriptures and consigned them to the flames of Truth, along with hundreds of science books. Unconfirmed reports are coming in of declarations of Jihad (Holy War) being made against "the lying infidel USA" by several fundamentalist Islamic countries, outraged at the blasphemous treatment of what they still quaintly refer to as God's Book. The Vatican has yet to confirm the Blessing event as a miracle, expressing concern that the Pope wasn't the first to know about it. The newly empowered Christian Coalition is forming plans to send a massive force of armed missionaries out to these countries and the rest of the non-Christian world.

Blessed USA This satellite image (enhanced to remove cloud cover) clearly shows the mystical illumination emanating from the USA. The only people who seem to be complaining are astronomers. While they recognise the Truth of the Bible now, they are still annoyed that the LORD chose to manifest His Blessing in such a way as to render all ground-based telescopes useless. "The intense holy glow has ruined all our sensitive instruments. I guess we'll just have to turn to the Bible for information about the stars now. But maybe that's what God intended all the time.", said the director of one observatory. This may become a moot point, as many Christian groups are already calling for the closure of all "atheistic science establishments".

Other wonderful results of the Blessing have so far included

The instant healing of all disease. Hospitals are shutting down throughout the country.
Mortgage lenders are closing business, as the LORD has paid off everyone's debts.
T-Shirts bearing mottos such as "I told you so", and "Where were YOU during the Blessing?" are selling like hot-cakes.
The economy has ground to a halt, as all non-religion-related businesses are closing down, to be replaced with churches and christian bookshops.
Farmers are reporting a sudden increase in crop yield.
Homosexuals have admitted that they were "only joking", and have started looking for nice Christians girls to settle down with (which should be fairly easy to find now).
All life's little troubles have gone, to be replaced with the "warm, fuzzy glow in the tummy" that devout Christians have reported for so many years.

This is truly a great day for all mankind (well, in America anyway).

Breaking news: We are receiving unconfirmed reports that India has been Blessed by the Lord Krishna. Film at eleven.