Jehovah, yesterday.
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In an exclusive revelation to The Wasteland today, God has complained about the trouble of being omniscient in a world of five billion souls. "The noise is just unbearable", Jehovah told us. "You really wouldn't believe it." Speaking to the LORD in a corner of a pub in Lancaster, we discovered some startling truths about God's relationship with His Creation. "You see, I created Adam and Eve - well, okay, Lillith, but that's a can of worms I don't want to get into right now. Anyway, I created Adam and Eve so I could have someone to talk to. The Angels? No, they're just a bunch of cringing sycophants. It's always Yes Lord, Certainly Lord, Whatever you say, Lord. Can't stand it! Oh, how I longed for someone to have a decent argument with, or who would genuinely find my jokes funny." The LORD, it tranpires, has a well developed sense of humour. As well as the long-suspected jokes of the Duck-Billed Platypus, and the constellation that looks like a giant pair of boobies (His Words), there is apparently a Tyrannosaurus Rex skull yet to be found in North America that is quite obviously wearing a Sony Walkman. When pressed for the location, God just winked and tapped the side of His nose, chuckling to Himself. The LORD continued. "So, there we were. Me, Adam and Eve, having a fine old time, and what happens? They only started breeding, didn't they? Like rabbits, they were. I would have been quite surprised if wasn't so omniscient. Soon there were dozens of the perishers running around, and then thousands! Farming, trading, building and of course breeding, breeding, breeding. Couldn't stop them, I couldn't. Free will and all that, you know? That was another goof, but I guess it's too late sort that one out now, eh?" The LORD revealed unto this reporter that, being all-knowing, He knew the innermost thoughts of every single person, all the time. And as more and more appeared, He knew all of theirs too. It soon became overwhelming. "I know, I know, I'm omnipotent. But just try to imagine it! Constant noise, every hour that I send. Natter natter natter, all the time. And what do they think about? Deep philosophical dilemmas, maybe, or astonishing insights into the world that I created for them? Oooooh, no. Sex, sex, sex. Randy little buggers, I can tell you. And when it's not sex, it's food. And when it's not sex or food, they start praying to me for help. They either ask for help (usually with regards to sex or food, I might add), or they're telling me how much they love me. I mean, that's very nice, and shows some gratitude, but really! There's only so much 'Oh Lord, I am not worthy. I love you so much' that you can stand twenty four hours a day. For a while at first, I got some peace at night, but then they spread over the whole planet and there was always somebody awake and going on and on at me about something. And it's all so trivial! I suppose that's not entirely fair, after all everything is trivial if you're a God. Which I am, as I shouldn't really have to remind you." At this point, God rose and moved in a mysterious way to the bar, to get the next round of drinks in. We rather hoped He would lighten up a bit during this break, as His endless rant was getting a bit tedious. "I heard that!", we heard Him say, in a small, still voice as He came back with the tray of drinks. Somebody had spilled beer on the floor in front of Him, but He appeared to walk on the surface of it and not get His feet wet at all. Neat trick, we thought. Sitting down, He continued. "I guess you're right. Sorry for going on so much, but it is so hard to concentrate on your work when you're constantly being badgered about baseball games, exam results, pregnancy tests and wars. That's why I haven't Created any new Kinds of animals for so long. I just can't get my head down and get the job done properly. I've been leaving it all to evolve by itself for millions of years now, but you lot are even interfering in that, messing around with ecosystems and picking apart my designs with your genetic engineering. It's not bloody Lego, you know!" At this point, the LORD finished His Pint, and, making sure the bar staff couldn't see, he whispered "Let there be beer", and Lo! His glass runneth over with Theakston's Old Peculiar. He looked a little guilty, but then regained His composure saying "Hey, I'm God, okay?" We asked the LORD why He had not seen it all coming. "Well, I did actually know all the trouble I would be getting into. Omniscience, remember? But it seemed so far ahead, by your timescale, that I just sort of pushed it to the back of my mind. Which is quite a long way, what with my mind being infinite and all. You have to remember, I'm infinitely old, and know an infinite amount of stuff. Things get forgotten, or at least buried so deeply I don't really think about them much. Even though I'm fully aware of everything I know all the time. It's hard to explain, but as you'll never be Me, you'll just have to trust me on this. You know, like it says on dollar bills?" "Anyway, to cut a long story short, I'd like you all to just shut up for a while. I'd like your publication to ask the entire population of the planet to just be quiet for a few hours every week. Saturday would seem like a good time. Call me old-fashioned, but I still think of that as the Sabbath. So, if you could all just blank your minds somehow - meditation, drugs, sex, video games, I don't care -for a few hours each Saturday, I'd be eternally grateful. Literally. No thinking, no praying, none of those damned hymns (oh Me, they're so dreary) and no telling Me how great I am. I'm omniscient! I already know how great I am." Trying to help, we suggested that He try making himself not hear us for a time. "Thanks, but I've thought of that. It all comes down to my pesky paradoxical nature. Or supernature, if you like. I can't make myself not hear you, because I'm omniscient and I just know what you're thinking all the time, as you think it. I can't restrict my own omniscience (because then I wouldn't be omniscient, would I?), and if I forced myself to not hear you, that would restrict my omnipotence - as I knew I would do it, and forced myself to do it, I would have no free will in the matter, and a God with no free will makes no sense, does it? As I said, it's hard to explain. So, the only real way to do it is to ask you all to freely stop bothering me for a few minutes. It's not a lot to ask, now is it?" "I know this is probably futile... Okay, I KNOW it is futile, but I've got to try anyway. Even though I knew the outcome before I even started. Damn it, this all-knowing business is a pain! I even know what I'm going to say next. See? I just did it! I've got to go and lie down for a bit. And maybe have a few more beers..." With that, the LORD got up and left, leaving us with our thoughts, and a half-eaten bag of Pork Scratchings, to ponder over. © Adrian Barnett, 1998 |
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