I spent 24 years in a conservative christian religion (perhaps even cult-like). I learned the great Puritan truths of "Depression is a Sign of Sin" and "Sympathy for the Wicked is a Sin." They basically tried to rip out my heart and hand me one made of stone, saying that a complete lack of humanity was Christian love. I feared and hated God for a long time because I modelled him after my religion. Even my family kept telling me I should just stop feeling, because it was interfering with my moral judgements. I met my first atheist at 21, a wonderful woman from Sweden who is still my best friend. She shattered those Christian statements that being raised without God is being raised without morals: she was the kindest person I have ever known. Talking to her I realized I wasn't evil, and that not everyone in the world hated me for speaking my mind. Once I started believing in myself and accepting all the logical conclusions I had been making and discarding all my life for God's truth (2 + 2 = 5, right?), I realized there is indeed a dark and destructive side to christianity. And it's not just my own religion, but every faith that inherits doctrine from Puritan hatred and Catholic oppression. Either they want to pull you down so that they can be on top, or they want the company so they never have to accept that they were wrong. It's an embarrassing thing to realize all the things you believed and preached to others were so wrong, I'll be the first to admit. And acknowledging that I wasted so much of my life and so much grief and pain trying to understand something that wasn't even true--it's a price I don't think I should have to pay. I know all my family and friends remain in this church mostly out of fear of the above problems, fear of being ostracized the way I was, fear of losing their jobs and their friends, fear of losing their spouses and their children. It's a horrible prison which someone chose for us generations back. Since I ceased attending church two years ago I have become a recluse, unable to find employment because I am unwilling to continue the christian charade. My family dislikes me intensely. I lost almost everything.
And it's still worth it. To be able to cry when that young gay boy was killed in Wyoming and not feel wicked. To walk by someone smoking and not instantly make assumptions about his/her lifestyle. To read what I want without worrying if it is appropriate. To watch movies without wincing at the nude scenes. To go to sleep at night and not fear that I'll die and God will yell at me for doing what I felt was right. To not fear the male majority and concede to their view of the world just because they all have a dick and I don't.
I wouldn't go back in a million years.
Emily, ex-mormon