by Jim Haigh
In summary, it just happened. I didn’t want to become an atheist, or try to become one. I was reading, thinking and discussing. Searching for the truth, I suppose. Trying to make sense of life. And at age 51 it clicked.
First a few facts for context. I was born in 1937 in Yorkshire, am male and married and my postcode is PE3. I studied physical sciences at university and gained a poor degree. I taught in schools and a college and have been a computer programmer.
Mainly I must tell you what I believed. That’s very important because it explains what god it is or was that I am now quite sure does not exist.
I was brought up an Anglican. My mother went to church two or three times a year and my father more often. Both were very conventional and not at all reflective. I was sent to a boarding school which was heavily low Anglican. Chapel was compulsory daily as well as Sunday. I enjoyed it, and started to go to church during the holidays. The local rector was both very learned and an excellent preacher. I was never one to go with the crowd so I had resisted the “confirmation machine” at school, but at 19 I was confirmed, although I had doubts about bits of of the creed, especially the atonement. I could never at any stage see Jesus as a blood sacrifice for our sins and never felt myself washed in the blood of the lamb (a revolting idea). But my belief in God was total. You frequently read that prominent Christians have had periods of doubt during which their faith wavered. Mine never did. I never for one moment doubted the existence and supremacy of God ( a capital G because I am referring to a particular god, the Christian one, “the god Abraham, the god of Isaac and the god of Jacob”). Always my chief concerns were with the teachings of Jesus, especially the Sermon on the Mount, and with the mystery of life. God was the creator of life, and “obviously” the creator of species. I knew no biology and had not studied Darwin’s theory at all. I was happy to believe that evolution took place up to a point. A species of moth could change from being 95% light coloured, 5% dark to 95% dark. But species? It was “obvious” God had intervened.
I soon became uncomfortable in the C of E. What was important to me was the life of Jesus as told by Matthew, Mark and Luke. The other members of the congregation emphasised the death, the cross, resurrection and the mystical John’s gospel. And I didn’t like having to pray especially for “our gracious Queen Elizabeth, the Duke of Edinburgh and all the Royal Family”. They represent earthly power, armed forces and material wealth, all the things it seemed to me Jesus rejected. I never took to eating Jesus’ body and drinking his blood either, even symbolically. So I searched around and at age 22 found the Quakers. I missed the singing and the beautiful words of the book of common prayer but I no longer had to say creeds, or sing or say Amen to words I did not feel happy with. I placed great value on honesty and still do, and church seemed the worst place of all to be mouthing things I did not believe. The silence of the Friends meeting saved me from that.
I am not a very intellectual person but I read quite a lot of popular theology including Honest to God, and Don Cupitt’s books. My beliefs developed a little and I became a unitarian with a small U: i.e. a believer in God as wholly spirit and Jesus as a great teacher who was human not divine. I saw a whole spiritual world existing above or beside the physical one. God, angels and the souls of the departed were wholly in the spiritual world; rocks, rabbit and roses were wholly in the physical. People were mainly in the physical but poked through into the spiritual and some interacted much more with the spiritual world than did others. Always God was the great creator, the giver of life.
I wrote an article setting out how absurd it was to suppose that the different species of plant and animal cold have happened without divine intervention. Then, before sending it to an editor in the hope of getting it published, I thought I had better just check a bit on evolutionary theory. I ended up reading “The Blind Watchmaker” by Richard Dawkins. And that was it. I binned my silly article, feeling immensely thankful that I had not made a complete fool of myself by trying to get my ignorant rubbish published. The last cornerstone of my faith, that of God as creator, had been knocked away. My beliefs in God and the spiritual world vanished. It was almost instantaneous, as when a conjurer opens his hand and you see to your amazement that there is nothing there.
There was a welcome sense of relief and many little puzzles were solved but there were losses and problems too. I missed, and still miss, the fellowship of my local meeting for worship. I lost quite a few friends and gained none. Worse, perhaps, but quite different, was the loss of the basis of my moral code. Things I had done or not done all my life because of my belief in God were now done merely out of habit. And when things went well there was no-one to thank. On the whole I think I was happier and better off as a theist, but I am quite sure now that God does not exist and that there is no spiritual world , so there is nothing I can do about it.
In short, I became an atheist because I read The Blind Watchmaker. In it Dawkins explains the theory of evolution very convincingly. What amazes me and makes me feel rather ashamed is that I remained a believer in the supernatural for so long. Perhaps it’s because religious people have countless opportunities to put over their beliefs and use those opportunities whilst most atheists don’t even try.
Jim Haigh. e-mail address: ajwhaigh@waitrose.com