My name is matt smith, I live in the midwestern United States, deep within the bible belt, where warning labels are still placed on textbooks with even a mention of evolution.

I'd like to tell my story of how I've come to where I am today. I have recently moved from the bustling state of Nebraska, where my thoughts on god were made, and destroyed. I have no traumatic experience to credit for my loss of faith. Just slow realization and simple reasoning. I am 19 years old. If I had to give a date, Id say that I lost my faith in god, or at least christianity about a year and a half ago. Hard to believe that it began with a simple sentence spoken by a co-worker. I had never questioned the existence of god, or Jesus Christ. Though the fact that millions of others believed in other faiths had always troubled me. Anyways, that coworker and I were having a religious conversation, and obviously, I supported god. The last words spoken in the conversation were, "If you had never been told of god or divine power, until now, would you believe it". I honestly had to answer," No".

I could not believe that we few christians were the only people who were not going burn in hell for all of eternity. From this point, I've continued my search for answers. Until it became perfectly clear that there were none. I listened to those who scoffed at the Heavens Gate cult members for their mass suicide during the passing of comet Hale-Bopp. At that point I would simply say, "Won't that suck if you die, and upon your judgment day, it happens that they were the only ones in the entire world who were right". They couldn't accept that of course, how could they be right. Imagine, what morons believe in aliens and such, when everyone knows that an unseen, unheard divine being is controlling us like a giant puppet show. :)

I would often ask, if god wants sheep (which the bible says he does, many times) why didn't he just make us sheep. Why give us the power of free thinking, only to try to stifle it. They would then give me some b.s. About god working mysteriously and wanted us to come by our faith by free choice. Like a sick, twisted, cosmic mind game.

I once thought that atheism was lazy (i.e. I don't feel like believing today) but now I know that because I lacked the faith that they all held so dear, I was practically an atheist already. I just had not been officially pronounced and baptised atheist. :)

I would also like to say, that I still go to church. Mainly because it is quality time with my grandfather who has been diagnosed with cancer. I could be angry (and I did go through a period of anger, as anyone would if they had felt that they had been lied to all their lives) I could say, hey, why doesn't your almighty god heal my grandfather, but I don't. Why, because people die, Christians, Muslims, Jews, everyone.

At church, I go about the rituals half-hearted. Never speaking of my disbelief. I sometimes chuckle at things the pastor will say. For instance, this morning, the pastor really struck out at homosexuals. For the record, I am not a homosexual, but I am also not homophobic, I think that homosexuality is gross, in men and women, but then again, I think that sweet potatoes are gross too. This illustrates the main reason I have chosen disbelief. Religion creates bigotry.

It is hard for me now, because I work amongst strong believers, and I do not wish to intrude my beliefs on them as they have done to me for so long. They speak of god and jesus and praying for me, and I just nod and smile and say "thanks".

I still look for answers. The only one i've found to be solid is this. Believe what you must in order to make your life as fulfilling as can be, be happy, and respect the beliefs of others in the process.

I encourage any comments that you might have. Or if you just want to talk about the weather. You can email me at- matthewsmith007@yahoo.com.

sincerely,

Matt Smith