I read a story that a well known scientist (believed to be Bertrand Russell) was giving a lecture years ago about the basic concepts of the universe. The gravitational pulls of the planets, the solar system's relation to the Milky Way galaxy etc. When done he asked if there was any questions. An older lady stood and said (paraphrase) "Very interesting young man, but we all know that that earth is really flat and just sitting on a tortoise out in space." Being the gifted arguer he was, this scientist replied "But what is the tortoise standing on?" She said, "Very clever, but it's tortoises all the way down." I have never told, as a whole, my story of atheism before. I believe that I need this experience to continue my person growth, so read on if you want. I think it starts in 5th grade.
Before I go there I need to mention my family. My grandfather is my hero, he converted to Catholicism 40 years ago. He raised my mom, aunt, and uncle in that religion. My grandmother's faith is declared Catholic but secretly she is entranced by Eastern doctrines as well.
My father's family is all Catholic. They married and found they were unable to naturally have children. I was adopted from a strict Catholic mother who's request from the agency is that my parents would raise me in the faith until I left home. My father, a man dedicated to his promises, saw it as his responsibility to follow this instruction.
Because of this my father enrolled me into Catholic school. This school is in a decrepit building without heating. It was a poor, politically run school. They had close ties with a Catholic high school. They secretly made a deal that the high school would fund my middle school (kindergarten through 8th grade) and in return the school would recommend that students attend that high school. As we know the church as a whole is failing and private schools are declining in attendance.
My middle school eventually made it mandatory to take an entrance exam for the entrance of this high school. This is a mandatory system for private schools, but it's ignored (kids who flunk this exam still enter the school every year to keep attendance up.)
The school remains poor, the computers they used entirely (into the mid 90's and are still using with two somewhat newer ones) are computers worse then an Apple 2 that were dug out of a dumpster from a public high school.
The political structure was ran by a church (connected to the school) counsel that ran the funds, regulation, and the administration. Even if our principle had been competent she had no authority to do anything about it. A story along these lines is the kid who would beat up students at recess, throw desks in class and cuss out teachers, he was suspended in his 8th grade year. It took so long only because his father was on the counsel.
The school was also socially conscious. It was 80% Italian (being that most Catholics are Italian) and the high school I mentioned is 95% Italian. These children made the "upper crust" of the student body and the rest of us were inferior. They were the students whose later accomplishments were posted on Graduate's Board, they were the students who won the scholarships to the aforementioned high school.
I was an inferior student for 9 years. I was a firm Catholic the whole time, I felt God would sort out these problems. I felt that my suicidal tendencies (which reached their peak in 8th grade) were forgivable by God. I felt that justice would be served. In short it wasn't.
The tortoises were losing their balance.
Back to 5th grade. I am a natural speaker. I have a Broadway voice that carries, I can hold an audiences attention. My grandfather, whom I mentioned is my hero, had trouble in church hearing the pastor. Because of my need to be good at something and my wish for granddad to hear his service I became a student lector. I read the first and/or second reading from the bible for about 5 years. I was told I reached people, I was told that God spoke through me, though I never felt that.
Now we come to high school. I go to a public high school. My first year simply blew me away. Religion was totally neutral, nothing was pressured. No more religion class, no more church during school, no more reading out of the bible. It was incredibly comfortable. At this same time I started work at a local hospital.
Hospital work was a life-changer. I delivered to patient rooms through a division called Central Services. I saw the ICU every shift I worked. I saw the worst of the worst. I saw the tubes, the life monitors, the electrodes. I saw the waiting rooms where family members waited for the loved one to die. I saw the monitors hooked up to the ceiling of the nurses station so they could watch to make sure no one's life beeped away. I saw the prayer books and bibles. I actually prayed for every person I delivered to, knowing it wouldn't really affect them. Soon this prayer boiled down to the saying "Make a full recovery."
I knew even that was asking for too much.
During my tenure there I saw my care for the church decline. I realized what church really was for me. It was a grounding in reality, a step towards being in touch with myself. And the more I saw life beep away, the more I was reminded that life is fragile and slippery, the less I needed church. Proportionately the more I saw real life the less I wanted a glazed over life. I was still a lector until my sophomore year of high school. I was still reaching people, even though my faith was slipping. I knew at that point that God wasn't speaking through me, I was just good at speaking. This revelation was something. But I carried on in the faith. It wouldn't let go (especially with my father making me go to church every week.)
My sophomore year was a revelation. I had a teacher that literally changed my life. She taught World History. But really it was a study of culture and of religion. She touched on all but two of the world's famous religions. For the first time the information in my mind started connecting, through the critical thinking I learned in her class. I now knew how frogs could rain from the sky and how the sea could part. I could now see that the other religions were just as valid as Christianity. I knew that there was something wrong here. I read many wonderful books on the truth of the universe, the epitome was "A Brief History of Time" by Hawking.
Though she never advocated any particular religion she encouraged free thought. This was something I never had in my 9 years of private school. No where in religion is there a word to praise intellect. So I did just that. I thought for myself. And I came up with the conclusion that there is something wrong with faith. I didn't want it anymore.
At the same time my parents were forcing me to be confirmed in the Catholic faith. If you don't know much about this, it is a two year long process that says basically "I accept this as true" many scholars and theologians don't think it should be more then a week or so, but it was, and continues to be, two years long.
The first year (freshmen year of high school) went all right with me. But sophomore was different. I started out questioning it, and by the end I was angry.
I don't know the day I became an atheist, it didn't come in a revolution, blinding flash of truth. I celebrate it on Christmas. By that time I didn't want a belief in God. I became a Buddhist for a time, but I found that there was prayers and deities (though not as important) in that faith. I started doubting reincarnation and I found that I was atheist.
Confirmation took place in April. I was openly critical of religion for a good time, my leader even told my parents that being confirmed then might be a mistake. Luckily I was able to convince them that it's not important enough to start again.
I was still lecturing, which I finally quit in about February. I still remember my last service. By that time I had no faith in what I was saying.I walking downstairs right after I was done I realized I wasn't proud of myself at all. I hated the teenager I had become almost as much as I hated the mind numbing religion I had escaped.
By the time I was confirmed a few people knew I was atheistic. But I still got in front of the bishop and told a church of people that I wanted Catholicism to be my religion. I hated myself, my blasphemy had become complete.
Sophomore year was the worst year of my life. Suicidal tendencies returned. But when I became an atheist I found them dissipating. This is pretty clear proof to me that it's not a dreary theology. The worst was still to come and I had my ups and downs, but I made it out all right. By the end of that year all my close friends (all of whom believe in God) knew who and what I was.
They were alone in this knowledge.
My father continued to force me to go to church. I had told my mom that I was Buddhist, she is anti-atheist and says that if I was to become one I'd be disowned. So I let them think that I am still Buddhist.
About this time my father and I started drifting apart. I hate the church that forced me to be what I was. I was angry and I have ever been that my father made me (and still does) go to church. I walk into a room every week where I know I am different from everyone else in that room.
This is the time I became an outspoken atheist, it started the beginning of my junior year. I was critical of all religion and angry at the proposition. I drove people away. Everyone who knows me knows that I am a non-believer. I recently got a new girlfriend, one going through the spiritual crisis I went through. She pulled me through this corner, and recently decided that she is either atheist or agnostic. We are helping each other out since both our families are seriously religious.
Recently I came out of that corner. I became a vegetarian, more proof that atheism doesn't damage morals, and I stopped my outspoken criticism.I recognize this as just a part of me, such as white, suburban, writer, teenager. It's simply a part of life. If someone wants to understand us a little better I will tell them the truth, if someone wants an opinion I am ready and able to oblige. But the hatred is gone.
Things haven't severely improved with my dad. But I'm coming to terms with his commitment. You see he told me that if I stopped my faith and spiritual growth he'd transfer me to that private high school I mentioned. This is the thing that drove us apart. This building has always been the antithesis of what I am and want. I would spiritually die if I went there.
I did not become atheist because of the threats of the church or the stubbornness of my dad. I became an atheist because it's what's logical to me.
Maybe we really are on a giant tortoise in space, but in until we slide off his shell I think I'll remain the man who wonders what the tortoise is standing upon.
Joe Klocek
PS I am looking for atheist Internet friends, if interested you can e-mail me at Quizbuck@aol.com