<Bold Fenian - still bandaged from his encounter with Zorb the Sacred Crocodile - leads the band into a reel; enter Hume in spangly jacket>
Hume: Thank you, thank you very much ladies, gentlemen, angels, archangels, thrones, dominations, virtues, powers, cherubim and seraphim!
<audience clap hands, flap wings and wave haloes in the air with a whoo! whoo ! whoo!>
Hume: Now tonight, as promised, we manage to cross 'Smack the Nominalist' with 'Stars in their eyes' as Raziel gets dressed up as his favourite philosopher and performs an argument in fromt of the studio audience. So Raziel, who are you going to be tonight?
Raziel: Tonight, Hume, I shall be presenting Thomas Aquinas's "5 proofs of God".
Hume: Thank you Raziel! Let's give him a big round of applause! <Kira
leads Raziel offstage>
So while he goes off to get into a monk's habit and have his head shaved, let's
hear from our roving deity hunter, tellurianic!
tellurianic: Thanks Hume, I can just about hear you... Now tonight I'm investigating the cult of the Great Lizard. Behind me, at this secret location somewhere in southern England, is a pond which lizardists claim contains the sacred crocodile, Zorb. As you can see, however, in the water right behind where I'm standing, is a perfectly ordinary 25-foot man-eating crocodile! Nothing sacred about that at all, is there? If we just lean down over the water, we can see that AAAAARGH! <tellurianic suddenly disappeard from view, water splashes up, a huge thrashing sound fills the soundtrack and the picture goes fuzzy>
Hume <laughing>: Well thanks tell - I wonder what he'll be up to next!
<re-enter Kira, leading Raziel, who is now dressed up as a mediaeval monk>
Hume: Take it away, Raziel!
Raziel: Aquinas' First Argument, Motion
(1) Objects are in motion.
(2) If something is in motion, then it must be caused to be in motion by something
outside of itself.
Hume: Bzzt! Just remind us of the state of physics in Aquinas's lifetime?
Raziel: (3) There can be no infinite chain of movers/movees.
Hume: Why not?
Audience: Smack the nominalist! Bring in Marty! Praise to the holiest in the height!
Raziel: (4) So there is a first, unmoved mover.
(5) Therefore, God exists.
Hume: Sorry Raziel, too many unproved assumptions in that one. Would you like to have another go?
Raziel: Aquinas' Second Argument, Causality
(1) Some events cause other events.
(2) If an event happens, then it must be caused by something outside of itself.
Hume: And St Thomas wins the gold medal in the logical long jump, with a TREMENDOUS leap from 1 to 2! And I'm sure that all you chaos theorists watching at home will want to phone us about that later...
Raziel: (3) There can be no infinite cause/effect chains.
Hume: How do you know? And does 'circular' (feedback loops) count as infinite or not?
Raziel: (4) So, there is a first, uncaused cause.
(5) Therefore God exists.
Hume: And what exactly IS an uncaused cause?
Audience: That baffles us! Hume's got a point! Praise to the holiest in the height!
Raziel: Aquinas' Third Argument, Contingency
(1) Contingent things exist.
Hume: Let's just remind ourselves that in metaphysics <spit>, contingent things exist in fact only (!?) rather than necessarily. Unlike in reality, of course, where things either exist or they don't.
Raziel: (2) Each contingent thing has a time at which it fails to exist
(contingent things are not omnipresent).
(3) So, if everything were contingent, there would be a time at which nothing
exists (call this an empty time).
Hume: We're just about with you so far...
Raziel: (4) That empty time would have been in the past.
Hume: How do you know?
Raziel: (5) If the world were empty at one time, it would be empty forever after (a conservation principle).
Hume: How do you know?
Raziel: (6) So, if everything were contingent, nothing would exist now.
(7) But clearly, the world is not empty (premise 1).
(8) So there exists a being who is not contingent.
(9) Hence, God exists.
Hume: He leaps from wild assumption to wild assumption like a deer o'er the crags, folks!
Audience: What's he on about? Praise to the holiest argument of the lot!
Hume: Well now, I think you've earned the 
pit, but we've got lots more time to fill before 'Tarchon's Biblical Neutralizer'
so carry on please...
Raziel: Aquinas' Fourth Argument, Properties That Come in Degrees
Hume: Hey - mine's a PhD!
<Audience laugh until cue card boy lowers prompt>
Raziel: (1) Objects have properties to greater or lesser extents.
(2) If an object has a property to a lesser extent, then there exists some other
object that has the property to the maximum possible degree.
Hume: Whoa there! So if I'm fatter than Joseph Wong, it therefore follows that somewhere is a game-show host the size of the horsehead nebula?
Raziel: (3) So there is an entity that has all properties to the maximum
possible degree.
(4) Hence God exists.
Hume: So god has all properties to the maximum degree? So he's the biggest, smallest, hottest, coldest, fastest, slowest cleverest, stupidest being in the cosmos? One crazy, mixed-up deity, folks!
Raziel: Aquinas' Fifth Argument, From Design
(1) Among objects that act for an end, some have minds, whereas others do not.
Hume: Define 'act' and 'end' if you will, please...
Raziel: (2) An object that acts for an end, but does not itself have a mind, must have been created by a being that has a mind.
Hume: How do you know?
Raziel: (3) So there exists a being with a mind who designed all mindless
objects that act for an end.
(4) Hence, God exists.
Hume: Well, thanks for coming along tonight to play the game. Now it's thrown open to the audience....
Audience: !
! !
Praise to the holiest in the depths of the
tank!
<Hume pulls lever, but a fraction of a second before Raziel strikes the
surface of the ,
the Archangel Gabriel swoops fdown from Row D and bears him aloft>
Gabriel: Only kidding! <he drops Raziel into the
with a resounding SPLAT! and flies off>
Hume: That's all for now! See you next week!
< Hume and Kira wave to the camera with fixed, cheesy grins as BF and the band launch into the old republican song "All Brits are Bastards with the exception of Hume, Adrian, Matt, tellurianic and any other wastelanders we've missed out" * >
*This song is rarely heard today on account of the scansion is so poor