NICK: It's forty-five minutes after the fight was supposed to begin and the fans are getting restless!
JOHNNY: That's right Nick! Zorb is already in the Deathmatch Ring, but Jehovah hasn't shown up yet.
NICK: Jehovah is notorious for not showing up when needed.
JOHNNY: Right again, Nick. That's why we were going to put in a substitute for Jehovah, named Jesus, but we're still waiting on him, also!
NICK: I've heard people have been waiting on him for about 1900 years! But wait, there's a guy stepping into the Deathmatch Ring!
JOHNNY: Let's pan down to referree Mills Lane inside the Deathmatch Ring.
[camera pans down to reveal Zorb facing off with an anonymous man.]
MILLS LANE: Alright, we've got a last-minute replacement for the absent deity, Jehovah. His name is Fink! [speaking to the two combatants] Alright, you know the rules. No question begging, no circular reasoning, no arguments from popularity, etc. Now, let's GET IT ON!
FINK: You don't understand where life came from and you can't explain it. I get it, it soooooo much different than what I am trying to say.
JOHNNY: Fink's opening shot is woefully wide of the mark. He doesn't realize that atheists don't assert as the unvarnished truth any hypothesis regarding origins and he does!
NICK: Correct, Johnny, and that weak opening move is going to cost him. Zorb isn't injured and is already making his counterattack.
[Zorb lunges at Fink and grabs a little bit of fat and tissue.]
FINK: You know what you believe but don't understand it.
NICK: Fink's next statement is weaker than the first. He asserts that atheists don't understand what they believe without demonstrating the nature of the beliefs he asserts and without showing that the atheists don't understand them.
JOHNNY: Unlikely, indeed, that someone could hold beliefs that they don't understand. Zorb, sensing Fink's fundamental weaknesses, is taking a more aggressive tactic.
[Zorb lunges at Fink, taking Fink's arm off. Fink denies that his arm has been taken off, asserts that's he's been shown no 'proof.']
FINK: "and you want me to believe it too without any proof!"
JOHNNY: Whoa! Where did any atheist ever say that they wanted Fink to believe what they believe?
NICK: I can't find it anywhere. I think most of the atheists just want Fink to support his statements.
[Zorb attacks again, takes other arm off Fink, Fink concedes "flesh wound."]
FINK: You say evolution is true so you PROVE IT!!!! What a ridiculous assumption. Still waiting on proof by the way.
NICK: Fink tries a new strategy - the bold lie.
JOHNNY: It doesn't seem to be working for him down there. I think all the fans are now firmly on Zorb's side because of that.
FINK: I never said life came from nothing it comes the creator of the universe, God.
JOHNNY: Fink moves to put up a bit of a defense, but it's insufficient. It doesn't address the issue of how God created the universe. Most of the Christians assert that there was no pre-existing matter. This means that God magicked the universe into existence from nothing.
NICK: [nodding] Creation ex nihlio. And as we say, "An answer that explains a mystery by a mystery is no answer."
[Fink is seriously eviscerated by now. The floor of the Deathmatch Ring is slick with blood.]
FINK: I can't get off this Subject, you are a complete and total jerk ornerypest. You make the same allegations as I do you sit and make fun of me. I think I will grow some wings tonight, like my cousin the bird, and fly around.
JOHNNY: Fink is now reduced to babbling incoherence and still he makes strawmen regarding evolution.
[Fink is swaying now, from loss of blood. Zorb is wearing an inscrutable reptilian grin.]
FINK: Your asking me to believe that life started from something, your not sure what. It changed, and changed and changed until I got here. What a bunch of BS.
NICK: Again, no atheist has asked Fink to believe in evolution, but to examine the evidence for it.
JOHNNY: And examining the evidence is one thing that Fink has not done yet, so it's not reasonable for him to write evolution off as a "bunch of BS."
[Scattered boos for Fink throughout the audience at this revelation of intellectual dishonesty.]
FINK: The reason why it so popular to believe in it is because there is no accountable for anything. No God, No Rules
JOHNNY: Here we see Fink at his weakest point in the fight. He assumes that all evolutionists are amoral and atheists, but even an amoral atheist who accepts evolution is accountable to the laws of the country in which he or she resides.
NICK: And Fink ignores the rest, and I dare say most, of the religious world, which has accepted evolution for years, or even decades. Fink looks like he's going down.
JOHNNY: Wait! In a desperate last manouver, Fink has abandoned all argument and taken to his heels! However, he isn't going to be able to avoid Zorb for long.
[Sure enough, Fink is running in circles in the Deathmatch Ring. Zorb quickly tires of the chase and simply leaps on Fink, devouring him, which scatters various bits of gore throughout the audience area. Mills Lane steps to a mike and....]
MILLS LANE: Zorb, the sacred crocodile, is the WINNER!
[cheers and applause for Zorb flood the Deathmatch Arena.]
JOHNNY: This brings to a close another brutal Deathmatch.
NICK: This is Nick Diamond...
JOHNNY: and this is Johnny Gomez, saying...
BOTH: GOOD FIGHT! GOOD NIGHT!
[Disclaimer: Celebrity Deathmatch and its characters belongs to whomever it belongs to. This post is merely for the purposes of satire, and tellurianic suggested it, anyway! ;-)]
Kevin Gassaway <zeno2000@home.com>
