Nick: Do they have those robots fixed yet?
Johnny: Not yet Nick. But I think we can start the fight anyway.
Nick: How? Those robots have a tight grip on the combatants.
Johnny: I’ll tell you in a moment, but first, let’s bring the folks at home up to speed. Tonight’s main event pits Michael against Half-Azed. It all started...
Nick: Wait! Who is that?
Johnny: That’s Michael, the moderator of the Religion & Science board at christiansareus.
Nick: I know that! Who the heck is that other guy?
Johnny: You mean, Half-Azed?
Nick: Yeah! Who is he? Why is some crazed unknown about to fight on Celebrity Deathmatch?
Johnny: Good question. All I know is how this got started. You see, on christiansareus’ new apologetics board, Michael posted his idea for an experiment to prove to atheists that god exists. He said that atheists cannot rightfully deny god without first trying this experiment. Half-Azed, however, insists that Michael’s experiment is unscientific. He said the experiment is nothing but pseudo-science.
Nick: Oh, yeah. Now I remember hearing about this. When our producers heard about this, they decided that instead of letting this argument just go in circles on ezboards, it would be best to send a couple of heavily armed robots to capture them, and bring them here to settle their differences in a deathmatch.
Johnny: Unfortunately, the robots are malfunctioning. The command to make them release the fighters has no effect. But it appears that referee Mills Lane has found a way around that problem.
Mills Lane: Ok, since these buckets of bolts won’t let you go so you can get it on, I just changed their instructions. You guys are going to have your argument, and whenever you screw it up, these metal cans will translate the harm done to your argument into harm done to you. Now, I want a good clean fight. No throwing your voice to fool the robots into thinking the other guy’s talking when it’s really you. And if you use a logic fallacy, these guys will deal with it for me. Now, LET’S GET IT ON!
Michael: Get on your knees
every day and pray. If you sincerely want to know God, she will respond. If
you are just going to stand around demanding proof like a spoiled child, don't
hold your breath.
Get together with friends you trust
and respect and call on God together as a team and compare experiences.
Half-Azed: How can anyone be certain that the feelings they get from praying are from god, or even anything external? How do you know they're not merely a placebo effect?
Johnny: Incredible! I heard the crack from up-here when that robot snapped off one of Michael’s toes.
Nick: That little piggy is off to the market.
Half-Azed: If you cannot describe how to tell the difference, then how can anybody, including yourself, know that you're doing it right? Is there any way, other than guessing, to tell when you've got the distinction correct?
Johnny: Now the rest of his foot has been torn off. Half-Azed is off to a great start.
Half-Azed: Science starts with observations, (you know, empirical evidence) THEN it forms a conclusion. Do you really think that Antoine Becquerel "believed" in radioactivity when he discovered it in uranium in 1896?
Michael: Now why in the world would he put uranium salts on a photographic plate unless he was looking for something he had no proof of yet, but a hunch about?
Johnny: And Half-Azed has been slugged in the mouth.
Nick: That’s one thing he won’t have next christmas: his two front teeth.
Michael: This is the fear you haven't yet honestly faced IMO. You have faced death, but you have yet to face ego death.
Nick: Ouch! Michael’s thumb has been shot off.
Johnny: Wait! That shot didn’t come from the robots. It came from...
Nick: Archon?
Archon: Ego labeling again. Michael, perhaps you thought you were smarter than everyone else, but I assure you I don't, and I don't believe 1/2-A does either. Atheism, if you have it right, is a HUMBLING experience.
Mills Lane: Hey! Get out of here, and let these boxes of wires do their job!
Johnny: It looks like Archon isn’t listening.
Archon: Being an atheist is NOT believing that you yourself are the center of the universe. It's also not humanism, but it goes hand-in-hand with humanism, which is NOT selfish. Like it or not, you have more control over yourself than you want, and it's not insulting any deity's pride to make decisions for yourself based on science and logic.
Nick: Now security is trying to get him out of there. It could take a while.
Johnny: Well, we need to take a commercial break anyway. We’ll be right back.
Johnny: We’re back. After interrupting the match, our security team was able to get Archon out of here, with the use of nightsticks, stun-guns, and lots of tear-gas.
Nick: And don’t forget about the net.
Johnny: Right. Well, we’d better resume the fight, before our combatants bleed to death. That wouldn’t be much of a show, now would it?
Nick: Naturally. It looks like Mills is about done reprogramming the robots.
Mills Lane: Ok, you rust museums. If anyone, besides me, interrupts this fight again, you are to waste them quickly with whatever gizmos you’re packing. Now, LETS GET IT ON!
Michael: Your ego is on parade.
Half-Azed: Hey! Knock off that “ego” crap! It’s getting annoying.
Michael: Well, ego, ego, ego, ego... EGO!
Half-Azed: I told you to STOP IT, YOU ******!!!
Johnny: Ow! His obscene ranting is hurting my ears!
Nick: You’re not the only one. That low personal attack just costed Michael his right ear.
Johnny: It looks like Half-Azed is going to pay the price for losing his temper. The robot is... Oh, how cruel! It just ripped off his... His... Left buttox!
Nick: Good thing he’s already called “Half-Azed.”
Johnny: Well, it appears Half-Azed is launching his counter-attack.
Half-Azed: Your whole experiment is an affirmation of the consequent fallacy. The claim that the feelings are caused by god means nothing unless you prove god exists, so you can’t use the feelings to prove god exists.
Johnny: That costed Michael an arm and a leg.
Nick: Literally!
Michael: What are you talking about? Either god answers, or god doesn’t.
Half-Azed: How can you tell the difference between god answering, and just deluding yourself into thinking god answered?
Nick: Half-Azed scalped Michael with that argument.
Johnny: Actually, the robot just did it for him. What’s this?
(Half-Azed slips out of the grip of his robot)
Johnny: Unbelievable! It appears that Half-Azed has used the blood sprayed throughout this match as a lubricant.
Nick: And he’s climbing onto the backside of his robot.
Johnny: I think that’s where the control console is.
(Half-Azed starts typing new commands into the machine)
Half-Azed: This’ll teach ya to weasel out of the obvious instead of admitting that your pseudo- science is nothing more than faith.
Michael: I’m getting tired of the loaded language.
Half-Azed: Load THIS language!
Johnny: Oh, my goodness! The robot is activating it’s flame-thrower.
Nick: Just listen to Michael scream as he becomes a crispy-critter.
Johnny: Like his argument, Michael has gone down in flames.
Nick: It looks like Michael’s robot isn’t too happy about this.
(the robot reaches around the other robot, and grabs Half-Azed by his head)
Johnny: The fight’s over. What does that robot think it’s doing?
Nick: I think it mistakenly sees Half-Azed as interrupting the fight. You remember what Mills told it to do.
Johnny: It looks like it’s putting the squeeze on Half-Azed.
Nick: Now that’s something. His head just popped like plastic bubble wrap.
Mills Lane: The robots are the winners!
(a stage-hand gives Johnny a note)
Johnny: What’s this? So, that’s why the robots were malfunctioning.
Nick: What is it?
Johnny: It appears that the people who designed the robots cut a corner when it came time to program them. They simply loaded Windows 98 on them.
Nick: Well, the lesson here is “when it comes to arguing or building killer robots, half-assing it is a big mistake.”
Both: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Nick: I’m Nick Diamond,
Johnny: and I’m Johnny Gomez saying “Good fight! Good night!”
Half-Azed
