Johnny: Welcome back to Celebrity DeathMatch. So far, clone-wars night has provided us with two great fights.
Nick: That’s right. First, Margo had herself cloned. One of them took the name SusieQQQ, and the other called herself Morgaine7. The later painted the ring with Susie three-Qs’ blood.
Johnny: They never revealed which is the real Margo, and which is the clone. But the DeathMatch clone machine copied their minds as well as their bodies, so the difference is moot.
Nick: In the second match, Liltoot and Truelight from christiansareus tag-teamed against Hume- anist’s clone, and Archon’s clone. Just when Liltoot and Truelight thought they won, the real Hume-anist and Archon dropped-in unannounced and avenged their clones.
Johnny: Four times the blood, and four times the fun.
Both: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Johnny: Now, it’s time for tonight’s main event. Spork the Unholy Monkey will face-off against Michael’s clone, inside the DOME OF DEVASTATION!
Nick: As loyal DeathMatch viewers know, the real Michael was torn to pieces and burned to a crisp when he fought against Half-Azed, who himself died of a splitting headache only moments after.
Johnny: Michael’s duplicate now has a chance to prove himself tonight, as he and Spork fight it out inside of our giant, dome shaped steel cage, with the insides strewn with various lethal weapons.
Nick: It’s time to reveal our surprise guest referee tonight.
(a black shroud is taken off the head of a figure standing in the middle of the soon-to-be-closed dome of devastation)
Nick: It’s Kali!
Kali: (rubs back of her neck) That hurt! You guys could’ve just asked me to do this, you know.
Johnny: The fighters are inside now. It’s time to close the DOME OF DEVASTATION!
(gears grind loudly as giant domed steel caged closes)
Kali: Ok, Spork, Michael’s copy, you both know the rules, right? Oh, that’s right! There’s only one rule: both of you walked in here, but only one of you is walking out. Ok, LET’S GET IT ON!
Michael: Well, the universe according to you came from what? It seems to me you can't answer that question scientifically, so ultimately you end up back at faith of some sort. You can have faith that whatever the answer is, does or does not require a creator, but you are still basing your reality on faith, one way or the oth... Ack!
Johnny: Did you see that? Spork threw a spork right into Michael’s mouth.
Spork: Are you stupid?! Atheists who know what they’re talking about simply say that there’s no evidence to support the existence of a creator. (reaches for a weapon on the dome’s wall) This is neither the time nor the place to sell your god of the gaps.
Michael: (spits out spork) I see the existence of the universe itself as SOME evidence that God exists. (Reaches for a weapon)
Spork: Isn’t that same universe also evidence for my existence as well as Zorb’s? (Bites Michael in the arm, causing him to drop his weapon, then hits Michael in his screaming mouth with a mace)
Nick: Like the late Michael, his clone seems to be off to a slow start.
Michael: (spits out mace) The universe was caused by something. Whatever that cause was, may or may not have been God.
Spork: What? You’ve gone from saying the universe is proof of god, to saying “maybe, maybe not”? (Picks up the spork from the floor)
Johnny: It appears Michael is reaching for two weapons at once.
Michael: You have no way of explaining where all that energy came from or how it was focused like that. Instead you live with the faith that one day, science will offer an explanation that does not require a creator. That is an unproven theory, one you place faith in.
Spork: Baloney!
Nick: Ouch! Spork threw his spork right into Michael’s eye, causing him to drop his weapons again.
Johnny: This clone seems to have butterfingers.
Spork: The atheist’s “faith” in science is backed-up by the fact that science has managed so far to fill in every gap that gods like yours dwelled in. (Reaches for another weapon) Not to mention, all that energy was focused into that one point by default, because no other place existed at the time.
Michael: (trying to pull spork from his eye) Yeah, well where did the energy come from? Ahhhh!
Johnny: Michael accidently pulled his eye out with that spork.
Nick: “Eye” predict that Michael’s clone is going to repeat history.
Spork: Can you explain where your god got the energy from?
Michael: (Trying to set his eyeball back into the socket) Uh, no. But that doesn’t invalidate the function.
Spork: For the purpose you’re trying to argue, it does actually.
Nick: Spork sliced off Michael’s arm with Okham’s razor!
Johnny: I’ve seen that joke coming a mile away.
Spork: You see, you posited your god to explain the mystery of the big bang. However, you left god as a mystery himself.
Michael: Herself!
Spork: Himself... Herself... The point is that you’re using a mystery to answer a mystery. That just doesn’t fly. (Reaches for weapon) But this does!
Johnny: Michael’s knee has been skewered with a javelin.
Nick: An arm and a leg... Deja vu!
Michael: (hopping on one foot) As I see it... Ow! ...integrity in either position, theism or atheism... Ow! ...requires that you actively persue the truth of your own beliefs. Ow! As long as you believe the question cannot be answered... Ow! ...you are free to choose either reality. Ow! Only one however is... Ow! ...accurate.
Spork: Only an idiot would say that any question about the universe can never be answered. Theists take the position that god did it and how is a mystery, and so nobody should think any further about it. Competent atheists make no such assumptions.
Nick: Michael seems to be distracted by cognitive dissonance and/or severe pain, and Spork is moving in for the kill.
Johnny: Spork has tripped Michael, and his standing on his back.
Michael: Kali! Are you just going to stand there?
Kali: Hmm... I’ll allow it.
Johnny: Spork has grabbed Michael’s head, and is pulling... and pulling...
(Heads rips out)
Nick: Pop goes the weasel.
Kali: And the winner is Spork the Unholy Monkey!
Johnny: Michael didn’t even scratch Spork.
Nick: Well it’s his own fault for forgetting that this is Celebrity DeathMatch, not some debate forum.
Johnny: Well, old habits die hard, I guess.
Nick: Michael’s own habits have out-lived him, and his clone. And Spork walks out of the dome of devastation with Kali pestering him for an autograph.
Johnny: This is Johnny Gomez...
Nick: ...and Nick Diamond saying “Good fight...”
Johnny: “...Good night.”
by Half-Azed
