Johnny: Welcome back Deathmatch fans. In tonight’s first match, the Omnireverend Doohickey Jones wiped the Deathmatch ring with Jesse Helms’ entrails.
Nick: It was a real one-sided match, but the cheering fans didn’t seem to care. That little girl in the second row even got Jesse’s ear, a classic souvenir for ring-side fans.
Johnny: Now, it’s time for tonight’s second match: Spencer versus some guy who called himself “hit and runner.”
Nick: This guy has been saying some rather strange things about atheists. This didn’t settle well with Spencer.
Johnny: We’re about to see who’s going to hit, and who’s going to run. Referee Mills Lane is stepping in now.
Nick: Let’s go down to the ring.
Mills Lane: Ok, Spencer, HnR, I want a good clean fight. No wiffle bats like the one Doohickey used in the last match. Those damn things are just annoying. If you gonna make fun of something someone says, make sure the comment you’re mocking is stupid in the first place. Now, LET’S GET IT ON!
HnR: Hey, you know what Gary D. Patterson said? He said, “Science is an important human activity that has produced much knowledge, but the notion that ALL knowledge must be obtained by the methods of science is a perversion known as scientism.” And you thought there were no labels for you! You wasteland guys should change the title to Scientism, not Atheism! CULT! *sissy slaps Spencer*
Nick: HnR takes a rather weak swing, and Spencer is obviously not impressed.
Spencer: Ooh am I a scientistismus thingy... *gut punches HnR* Obviously if I want to know something about human nature I read Shakespeare or Dickens or Bulgakov (hurrah for Bulgakov.) If I want know what happened in the past I read a history book or go and look at documents. And if I want to cheer myself up I might go to an exhibition or listen to some music.
HnR: *catching his breath* From your admission to liking literature, mythology, and art I think you are not a Scientismist. Sounds like you can appreciate many things outside the realm of pure scien... Oof!
Johnny: Spencer has gut-punched HnR again. This time, HnR’s vomiting.
Spencer: And that’s what I do when I want to know what you had for lunch. Looks like pizza... But we are not debating aesthetics or human psychology, although I am quite happy too. We’re here to fight till one of us dies. So far, it looks like it’ll be you.
HnR: *trying to keep standing* The quote I gave is an abstract given for a lecture sponsored once a month for Carnegie Mellon called Soup and Substance. I didn't go, I just pulled the abstract from that talk and tossed it up into the wasteland to get some particularly hard-nosed people thinking about their perspectives. The harsh way I presented it almost guaranteed a response, however negative, and hopefully some research into what was being said. *CRACK*
Johnny: Amazing! Spencer shoved HnR’s own foot into his mouth!
Nick: At least that’ll plug any further vomit.
Spencer: So, you think making inaccurate, sweeping generalizations of people, and provoking negative reactions in one daft move would get people to changes their minds about anything?
HnR: *spits out foot* Resent it all you want. *trying to fix unnaturally bent knee* If it defines how you view the world then it is TRUE. *wild swing*
Nick: Wow! One shot in the face, and Spencer has been decapitated!
Johnny: Wait! That’s not Spencer!
Spencer: *behind HnR* This is a very bad time to be sparring with a strawman, HnR. *karate chop to back of neck*
Johnny: HnR is down.
Spencer: If we are engaged in the theist/atheist debate we are trying to resolve an ontological question, a question of existence. Could you please explain how I could resolve this question through a study of English literature?
HnR: *struggling in vain to get up* You can be a Humanist and be a Scientismist. Just like you can be a Theist and a Muslim, or a Theist and a Christian. Cripes you can probably be a Humanist, Objectivist, Scientismist, Scientist for crying out loud! Ow! Argh! Oof! Ouch! Ahh!
Nick: Spencer is kicking HnR while he’s down!
Johnny: He’s giving HnR no respect. Then again, respect has to be earned, right?
Nick: Yep, and HnR hasn’t done that.
Spencer: *kick* Do you have any idea what you’re talking about? *kick* If someone appreciates aesthetics, then how can they be a scientistismus thingy? *kick* Not to mention, you obviously don’t know what theist means. *kick* A theist is someone who believes in a deity. *kick* Technically, all xians and muslims are theists. *walks toward headless strawman* You want people to do some research...
Johnny: Spencer seems to be grabbing the stake the strawman is hanging from.
Spencer: ...Yet you obviously haven’t done much research yourself.
Johnny: Spencer has pulled the stake out of the floor of the Deathmatch ring.
Nick: By the way, how did that suddenly get there anyway?
HnR: I'm sorry you choose to limit yourself this way. You are missing out on a lot by closing your mind to other possibilities.
Spencer: What do you mean by other possibilities, anyway? Are you talking about gods or invisible pink unicorns? It’s possible I’m not about to kill you, but is it considered closed-minded to doubt it?
Johnny: Spencer has impaled HnR with his own strawman.
Mills Lane: And the winner is Spencer!
Johnny: This hit and runner has just run away to whatever afterlife exists, if any.
Nick: Spencer really stuck it to him!
Both: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...
Johnny: Tonight’s main event is still to come.
Nick: So stick around.
*writer’s note: Don’t hold your breath. I’m just trying to make it sound like the actual show.*
by Dumb as Funk
