Johnny: Welcome back, Deathmatch fans. Tonight’s main event is about to start, and it’s gonna be a great bloodfest.
Nick: ...zzz...
Johnny: I see that Nick’s still asleep from that mis-aimed sleeping potion thrown during the last match. Such chaos was expected when Pete “the Hamster” faced off with Celebrity Deathmatch veteran Spork the UnHoly Monkey, over who’s got the best drugs. That match ended in a draw, after they both got splattered with the same stuff which left Nick snoozing.
**audience cheers**
Johnny: It looks like one of the fighter’s in the next match is stepping toward the ring. It’s none other than the OmniReverend Doohickey Jones. In his previous fights here on Celebrity Deathmatch, he slaughtered Jesse Helms, Alex Chiu (inventor of the so-called immortality rings), a trio of killer robots, and GodIsNumberoUno (though it’s rumored that he actually sent a clone to fight in his place).
**nudges Nick**
Nick: zzz... Uh...
Johnny: Wake up, Nick. The main event is about to begin.
Nick: **murmur** I don’t start my day until I get my coffee and tonic. **murmur**
Johnny: We don’t have time for this. **pours glass of water on Nick** WAKE UP!
Nick: **coughs, then gasps** Whoa, where am I?
Johnny: Nick, it’s time for tonight’s main event. The challenger is now entering the Deathmatch arena.
Nick: Wait a minute... Is Abby Aaron really fighting against the OmniReverend Doohickey Jones?
Johnny: What are you playing dumb for? It was YOUR idea.
Nick: Huh? Oh yeah, I forgot. Er... Referee Mills Lane looks ready, so let’s go down to the ring.
Mills Lane: Ok, I want a good clean fight. No wiffle bats below the belt, no calling on any deities to save you, and don’t use the “no true scotsman” argument. Now, LET’S GET IT ON!
Abby: Well Doohickey, aren’t you going to make the first move?
OmniRev: Ok, I’ll bite. What makes you think your god is real and the only one?
Abby: Because God speaks to me though my heart. **rushes forward**
Nick: Abby didn’t waste any time before launching the “warm & fuzzy fury” attack.
**OmniRev side-steps Abby and sticks foot out, Abby falls flat on her face**
OmniRev: Oh, so it couldn’t possibly be a placebo effect? You know, the power of wishful thinking?
Johnny: Abby’s opening offensive has been foiled by the classic side-step and trip maneuver, and her argument stunted by a natural explanation.
Abby: **getting up** Well I’d take eternal life in heaven over verification and skepticism any day. **jumps high into air, until hard to see from the ground**
Nick: I think she’s trying to use the “personal credulity crusher drop.”
Abby: **beginning to descent** You must have faith to believe in god, which is something atheists seem unable to do.
OmniRev: **steps out of the way, Abby falls through the mat** You need to have faith to believe in Spike, the magical Martian from the planet Venus, which is something xians seem unable to do.
Johnny: The OmniRev countered her argument by applying to same logic to a different topic.
Teneb: **yelling from amid the audience** Hey Abby, the reason atheists don’t give credibility to your beliefs is a matter of consistency. Theists like you though are inconsistent because you blindly believe one unsupported claim, but reject the others.
Nick: Looks like Abby’s got a heckler in the crowd tonight.
Abby: **climbing out of the hole** Well, what if one day evidence of god’s existence were discovered? Would you still believe in science then? And I do mean the god of the bible.
OmniRev: Ah, a loaded question. For this, we’ll need a loaded wiffle bat. **draws out wiffle bat chock-full of concrete** You see, science isn’t something that needs belief like your religion requires, since scientific findings can be VERIFIED. **clubs Abby in the face**
Abby: **spits out a tooth** Referee, didn’t you say that was illegal? Do something!
Mill Lane: I said “no wiffle bats BELOW THE BELT.” I’ll allow it.
OmniRev: As for the hypothetical evidence, I’d be hesitant to think of it as real, since it would contradict all the other evidence we have so far.
Johnny: The OmniRev has whacked Abby again, and this time she looking dizzy. Wow, and again!
Nick: Well, she has been known to be “batty.”
Both: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...
OmniRev: **in the middle of explaining the various evidence against the claims in the bible (in between clubbing Abby, that is)** ...which would utterly impossible, **smack** but even if it wasn’t for all of that, it would be amazing to prove that god exists, since it has mutually-exclusive traits. **whack** For example, how can you be all-loving AND send people to be tortured for eternity for not following rules which only applied to a relatively brief period of your existence? **pow** And, how can you be all merciful AND all just? **slam** Anything else?
Johnny: It looks like Abby’s down for the count.
Abby: If you really **coughs blood** wanna burn in hell, **hack** then I can’t stop you. **cough**
OmniRev: Ah, more wishful thinking on your part. You see, if hell actually does exist, YOU’RE the one who’s going there. **overhead swing with wiffle bat**
Johnny: Whoa! The OmniRev smashed Abby’s knee.
Nick: Listen to her scream in pain. **facing stage-hand** Uh, could you get be some aspirin?
OmniRev: **lets go of wiffle bat** Whoops! Er, I mean... Uh, I meant to do that. Ah, the hell with it! **steps away** I’m going for a field goal!
Johnny: What is this? The OmniRev is charging towards Abby!
**CRACK**
Nick: He kicked Abby’s head with enough force to send her skull to back wall of the Deathmatch arena.
Mills Lane: And the winner is the OmniReverend Doohickey Jones!
Johnny: I was just wondering; what will happen when Pete and Spork come to?
Nick: What are you talking about? Didn’t one of them die?
Johnny: No, they both were drenched with the same brew that put you to sleep.
Nick: Oh. Well then, I assume there’s going to be a rematch sometime soon.
Johnny: I hope they both leave their stashes at home next time. Meanwhile, remember kids: “Just say no.”
Nick: I’m Nick Diamond...
Johnny: ...and Johnny Gomez saying “Good fight...
Nick: ...Good night!”
by Dumb as Funk
