<roll the cheesy music, enter Hume in spangly jacket>
Hume: Thank you so much! Thank you ladies, gentlemen, neanderthals, australopithecines and chimpanzees!
Audience: <cheers, gibbers, hoots and bangs rocks together>
Hume: And tonight we have a very special edition indeed - our guest is non other than Dr Kent Hovind - loony creationist and qualification falsifier, brought to you courtesy of http://216.248.142.66/Articles/Article3.jsp
<enter Hovind head first at great speed, propelled by Kira's Doc Martin>
So Kent, I gather you have a list of badly thought out questions for us to mock mercilessly?
Hovind: The test of any theory is whether or not it provides answers to basic questions?
Hume: And he's off to a flying start, with a classic nominalist statement finished off intriguingly with a question mark! Since when has this been the test of a theory? Why do the questions have to be basic? Are you saying that a theory to answer complex questions does not qualify by default?
Audience: Ooh! Aah! Ug ug ug!
Hovind: Some well-meaning but misguided people think evolution is a reasonable theory to explain man's questions about the universe.
Hume: "Some people", eh? Well not around here, Kenty baby - we think it's a theory to explain the evidence for change within organic life on this planet!
Nothing more, nothing less.
Hovind: Evolution is not a good theory-it is just a pagan religion masquerading as science.
Hume: So let me get this straight - university biology departments hold solstice ceremonies and sacrifice virgins? Hey Kent, tell us what the forms of worship are for people who believe in gravity!
Audience: Tee hee hee! Ho ho ho! In the 
he'll have to go!
Hovind: The following questions were distributed to the 750-plus people
who attended my debate at Winona State University in Winona, Minnesota, on January
9, 1993.
Where did the space for the universe come from? Where did matter come from?
Hume: The universe is the totality of space and everything it. By definition, it CAN'T have come from anywhere 'else'!
Audience: ! ! !
Hume: Have patience folks, we have a whole lot more to rip the piss out of first...
Hovind: Where did the laws of the universe come from (gravity, inertia, etc.)?
How did matter get so perfectly organized?
Where did the energy come from to do all the organizing?
Hume: The laws of the universe are descriptions that humans have come up with to give themselves a handle on reality. They bear about as much resemblance to 'laws' in the legal sense as you do to a county in southeast England. And explain just how 'perfectly' matter IS organized, please. And as for energy, wasn't it there in Planck Time?
Audience: ! Awwoogah! What's Planck Time?
Hovind: When, where, why, and how did life come from dead matter?
Hume: Before there was life, there cannot have been any 'dead matter' by definition! You clearly mean 'non-living matter'. And this is surely a matter of abiogenesis, not evolution. And in any case, replacing an unknown natural cause with an unknowable supernatural one will win you the complete works of Immanuel Kant inserted where the sun don't shine.
Hovind: When, where, why, and how did life learn to reproduce itself?
Hume: Now hang on a moment there Kent - we're talking about evolution, not learned behaviours. I could as well ask you how learning evolved. Actually, that'd make loads more sense... but if God taught single cells how to evolve, how did he communicate this to them? HEY BACTERIUM - I'M TALKING TO YOU! TRY SHAGGING!?
Hovind: With what did the first cell capable of sexual reproduction reproduce?
Hume: With the other cells produced by the same mutation that were around
it. I mean really, if you're not going to use ANY common sense we might as well
dunk you in the straight away!
Hovind: Why would any plant or animal want to reproduce more of its kind since this would only make more mouths to feed and decrease the chances of survival? (Does the individual have a drive to survive, or the species? How do you explain this?)
Hume: This has been a non-question since the 1960s. It makes more sense to think of gene-centered evolution to answer this one. Try Dawkins's 'The Selfish Gene'
<Kira, grinning at the camera, pulls the yellow lever and a copy of 'The Selfish Gene' falls onto Hovind's head with a loud THWACK!>
Hume: Right now we're off for a commercial break, while Kira dresses the wound in Kent's scalp; but stay tuned... we'll be BACK!
Audience: <applause, gibbering, hoots, minor tribal warfare and nit-picking>
