![Bold Fenian and the boys launch into "Ten Commandments, Sitting On a Wall....", surprising the audience, who are still filing out from yesterday's episode. Hume and Teuf enter, pushing DAF out of the way just as he begins mopping the stage. They are struggling over possession of the spangly jacket, which ends when Hume promises to let Teuf do a half-time spot if he'll let go for a moment]
Hume (hurriedly dodging increasingly tatty spangly jacket): Hey! Stick around folks - we've got plenty more entertainment coming up! Now tonight, we have a very special guest indeed, one of netdom's biggest kooks of all - Robert T. Lee of Tencommandments.org!
[Enter Kira in American Civil War Union uniform, dragging Robert T. Lee in the iron shackles of empiricism]
Lee: God commands all mankind in the TEN COMMANDMENTS to: "Honor your father and your mother," "You shall not murder," "You shall not commit adultery," "You shall not steal," "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor," and etc, (Exodus 20:1-17). Is any atheist, agnostic or unbeliever foolish enough to publicly deny the decorousness of those laws?
Hume: Apart from 'Honour thy father and mother', which surely depends on the father and mother in question, no.
Lee: OK, there’s no disagreement with the fact that those Laws are righteous and therefore honorable.
Hume: So what? We could find dozens of examples of similar precepts from other religions and non-theist ethical systems.
Lee: But since atheists deny God's existence, they don’t have the ability to realize that God is the Author of the TEN COMMANDMENTS. This forces them to attribute their authorship to a human.
Hume: Well, what about all the other similar, comparable or downright identical laws from other systems? Are they authored by humans or by God? If the former, your whole argument coughs and dies. If the latter, you must admit that God talks to people of other religions, which must create biiiiiiiiiiig problems for you.
Lee: But since atheism is opposed to the decorous TEN COMMANDMENTS, even while being force to deceptively think they were authored by a human, this is clear evidence that atheism is incapable of authoring, realizing and honoring such decorous and noble laws.
Hume: No it isn't. Because: a) Not all atheists are opposed to the commandments you quoted, b) They were authored by humans, more than once, in several different cultures, c) What about all the atheist/humanist philosophers who have written on morals and ethics? Some of whom have come up with perfectly valid and decorous ethical precepts that religion has yet to accept.
Lee: If in the view of the atheist the TEN COMMANDMENTS were authored by a human,
Hume: Yes...
Lee: ... and it is rightly established that those laws are decorous and honorable,
Hume: Up to a point...
Lee: ... but are hated by atheists,
Hume: No.
Lee: ... and atheists comprise the most "educated" segment of the human race,
Hume: Says whom? Not me. I have no stats to show one way or the other. And in any case, education is not the trump card you seem to think we think it is.
Lee: ... then it would have taken a more decorous and honorable human to author them than even the most highly educated atheist.
Hume: Uh? Non-sequitur alert! Have you no conception of a logical thread?
(Audience, who became bored long ago, have started to read Lee's web site and concluded this for themselves)
Lee: Atheism, by means of its opposition to the decorous TEN COMMANDMENTS is none other than an antithetical principle to God and His Holy Law.
Hume: Atheism is not opposed to 'the ten commandments' per se, only the nutty ones. By missing out such kooky ones as 'thou shalt not buy cabbages on a Sunday' (or whatever the exact wording is), you make the ten commandments seem reasonable. Some we have no problem with, some are downright odd.
Lee: This antithesis is the actual principle at the heart of atheism’s inability to love such decorous laws as : "honor your father and your mother," "You shall not kill," and etc.
Hume: But again, you're missing the point. I do observe such laws, I just don't believe they were handed down by a magic man in the sky.
Lee: Therefore, it is right to conclude that atheism is none other than raw depravity - the diabolical principle at work in the people who dishonor their parents, who murder, who lie and deceive and etc.
Audience: SMACK THE NOMINALIST! SMACK THE NOMINALIST!
Hume: All in good time folks. But first... here's Teuf with some half-time entertainment
...
Teuf's Half-time entertainment
...
Hume [insincerely]: Thanks Teuf... that was great.
Lee: So we now realize that they are atheists (and other nonbelievers) who are in favor of putting their "terminally ill" parents to death;
Hume: Evidence?
Lee: ... who are in favor of murdering innocent human embryos and fetuses;
Hume: Evidence?
Lee: ... who are perpetuating homosexuality, lesbianism, bestiality, pornography, pedophilia and etc;
Hume: No we're not!
RayGreaves (in back row): Yes, I do!
Hume: Shut up, you!
Lee: ... who are responsible for all the violence in the movie industry;
Hume: But not all the violence in the Bible! Nor yet the very real violence perpetrated by theists in the real world. McVeigh was an atheist? The Taleban are atheists? The Sri Lankan and Indonesian civil wars are atheists versus atheists? Middle East violence is egged on by atheists? Get real!
Lee: ... who are responsible for all the smut on the web;
Hume: You have an uncanny ability to gauge someone's level of religious feeling without knowing anything about them. In any case, where in the Ten Commandments does it say "Thou shalt not post pictures of Maggie Cheung in a skin-tight leather catsuit on a web site?"
Lee: ... who bear false witness against the existence of God;
Hume: I have never borne false witness against God. Only true witness!
Lee: ... who bear the false testimony that the earth came into being by a cataclysmic explosion;
Hume: And you win today's prize for the most ridiculous strawman of the big bang!
Lee: ... who bear the false testimony of evolution;
Hume: No, we let Kent Hovind do that...
Lee: ... who bear the false testimony that man descended from the ape;
Hume: Do you make a hobby of collecting strawmen?
Lee: ... who worship the creature rather than the Creator;
Hume: Ah - I see you do. We don't worship anything!
Lee: ... who are responsible for all the moral decline in America and the world community.
Hume: Again, you have an uncanny case of FundyVision.
Lee: Atheists and all other nonbelievers in the True God - regardless of their level of "education" and position in the society - are therefore the true criminals of the world community and any sane government should treat them accordingly.
Hume: Unfortunately for you, any sane government will be composed
of atheists! Screw the game, let's dump him in the !
(A confused few moments follow, during which DAF breaks his mop over Lee's head, Kira rides over him on a horse, Bold Fenian punches him in the side of the head, Teuf decks him with the microphone stand and Hume picks him up by the ankles and feed him head-first to Zorb, to wild applause)
