[Roll the cheesy music, enter Hume in spangly jacket to rapturous applause]
Hume: Thank you! Thank you ladies and gentlemen! Now tonight, I'd like you to welcome a new addition to the crew - my hip-hop-style caged dancers, Abby Aaron and Margo!
[A cage is lowered from the flies, containing Abby and Margo done up - obviously against their will - as S&M goth-chick choir girls. Pounding music plays, to which they resolutely refuse to gyrate, attempting unsuccessfully to maintain some shred of dignity]
Great! And for our main guest this evening, we have none other than Ray Comfort, purveyor of saccharine tracts to the brain-dead.
[Kira, in customary rhinestone-cowgirl gear, enters mounted on a huge stallion, dragging a bound Ray Comfort behind her in the Golden Lassoo of Logic. The audience yells approval; camera zooms in on Diane, waving a pennant and leading a chant of 'Strawbs for Zorb!']
Hume: Now Ray, I gather that tonight we are going to apply some cold hard reality to one of your pink fuzzy sermons. So... go ahead!
Ray (Comfort that is, not Greaves - should be clear by now but you can never be too careful): If there was something you could do to live forever, would you look into it? Who in his right mind wouldn't?
Hume: Well to be honest, I probably wouldn't. I'm not sure how you plan to survive the end of the solar system, among other things...
RayC: There is something you can do. Please, give this a few minutes serious investigation--you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
Hume: Whaddawe call that?
Audience: PASCAL'S WAGER!!!
Hume: Whadduz it mean?
Audience: ZILCH!!!!
RayC: The Bible says that we will die because we have broken an eternal law.
[Cut to pre-recorded sketch featuring Hume in theatre greens as a surgeon and Kira in kinky nurse outift holding a clipboard; they are standing behind a hospital trolley on which is a corpse with a huge Zulu spear sticking out of its chest. Kira: What shall I put as cause of death, doctor? Hume: Hmm... better put down "Breaking an eternal law."]
RayC: It says, "the soul that sins, will die."
Hume: Does it define "soul" or "sin"?
[Awkward silence, as audience twig that anything after this point in Ray's argument is invalid; but since everything before it was invalid too, we may as well carry on]
RayC: Let's see if you are a soul that has "sinned."
Margo and Abby, outraged: NOT WITH US HE'S NOT!!
RayC: We will do so by looking briefly at the Ten Commandments.
Hume: Only if YOU are willing to do the same exercise afterwards with Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu codes of law and the UN Charter of Human Rights!
RayC: Have you ever told a lie?
Hume: Yes.
RayC: If you have, then you are a liar.
Hume: Yes. So what? I would wager that you have too. The ability to lie evolved for a number of reasons, not all of them morally reprehensible!
RayC: Have you ever stolen something (value is irrelevant)?
Hume: No
RayC: Then you are a thief.
Hume: I said NO, deafo!
RayC: Jesus said if you look with lust, you have committed adultery in your heart.
Hume: But not in reality. A distinction which you evidently have some difficulty with!
RayC: If you hate, then you have committed murder in your heart.
Hume: It's possible to hate someone without it going to the point where you wish them dead. You, for example - I have no wish to kill you. I shall just dump you in Zorb's gunge tank and let Him sort out the rest...
RayC: Have you loved God above all else?
Hume: No.
RayC: Have you made a 'god' to suit yourself (having your own beliefs about God)?
Hume: Funnily enough...
[Zorb rises enigmatically from the gunge-pit, throwing out boxes of strawberries to Diane and her sect and bars of chocolate to the rest]
RayC: Have you used God's name to curse, kept the Sabbath holy, honored your parents, or been greedy? Judge yourself--have you broken the Ten Commandments?
Hume: Have YOU broken the commandments of Zorb? Have you poked a badger with a spoon? Have you leant over on a Tuesday? Have you shut your granny in a bag? All these things and more will Zorb judge in about, ooh, five minutes.
RayC: Knowing that God has seen your thought-life, and every deed done in darkness, will you be innocent or guilty on Judgment Day? You know you will be guilty. So, will you end up in Heaven or Hell? Don't look to God's "goodness" to save you from Hell. If God is good, He will punish murderers, rapists, thieves and liars. He is so righteous, He will punish all sin.
The only thing you can do to be saved from His wrath, is to repent and put your faith in the Savior, Jesus Christ. When He died on the Cross, He took the punishment for our sins. He stepped into the Courtroom and paid the fine for us. Then He rose from the dead, defeating death. To find peace with God, pray something like this now: "God, please forgive my sins (name them). I turn from them and put my faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and my Savior." Now read the Bible daily and obey what you read (see John 14:21) -- God will never let you down.
Hume: And on what, exactly, do you base all this argument by assertion? Got any evidence?
[Further awkward pause, during which the silence is broken only by the sound of reverent choc- and strawb- eating, the popping of champagne corks and the whirring of blenders]
RayC: Here now are some important principles that will save you a lot of pain:
Hume: Remember these when you come face to face (or rather jaw to leg) with Zorb, and tell us how much pain they save you.
RayC: 1. Feeding on the Word -- Daily Nutrition A healthy baby has a healthy appetite. If you have truly been "born" of the Spirit of God, you will have a healthy appetite. Speed up the process and save yourself some pain -- vow to read God's Word every day, without fail. Say to yourself, "No Bible, no breakfast. No read, no feed." Be like Job, and put your Bible before your belly.
Hume: And I see that your company sells 'Bible Belts' with front-mounted scripture holsters (TM), guaranteed to put the Bible before your belly.
RayC: There may be times when you read through its pages with great enthusiasm, and there may be other times when it seems dry and even boring. But food profits your body whether you enjoy it or not. As a child, you no doubt ate desserts with great enthusiasm. Perhaps vegetables weren't so exciting. If you were a normal child, you probably had to be encouraged to eat them at first.
Hume: Are you calling my daughter abnormal? She's never been too keen on desserts, but give her a raw carrot and she's happy. What this whole screed is saying, is that Xianity is such patent tosh that only by self-administered brain-washing can you hope to accept this stuff. Yet when other cults do exactly the same thing, you call it evil. Hello Mr Consistency?
RayC: 2. Faith -- Elevators Can Let You Down When a young man once looked at me and said, "I find it hard to believe some of the things in the Bible," I smiled and asked, "What's your name?" When he said, "Paul," I casually answered, "I don't believe you." He looked at me questioningly. I repeated, "What's your name?" Again he said, "Paul," and again I answered, "I don't believe you." Then I asked, "Where do you live?" When he told me, I said, "I don't believe that either." You should have seen his reaction. He was angry. I said, "You look a little upset. Do you know why? You're upset because I didn't believe what you told me. If you tell me that your name is Paul, and I say, 'I don't believe you,' it means that I think you are a liar. You are trying to deceive me by telling me your name is Paul, when it's not." Then I told him that if he, a mere man, felt insulted by my lack of faith in his word, how much more does he insult Almighty God by refusing to believe His Word. In doing so, he was saying that God isn't worth trusting -- that He is a liar and a deceiver.
Hume: But there is a fundamental difference. If I ask someone what his name is and he says it's Paul, I have - in most circumstances - no good reason to disbelieve him. And in any case, it's verifiable. When the Bible says that snakes eat dirt or hares chew the cud or Pi=3, I CANNOT see the circumstances in which this could be true. Either: a) God IS a liar, b) God is a thicky, c) The Bible was written by fallible, and possibly dihonest, men.
RayC: I have heard people say, "But I just find it hard to have faith in God," not realizing the implications of their words. These are the same people who often believe the weather forecast, believe the newspapers, and trust their lives to a pilot they have never seen whenever they fly in a plane. We exercise faith every day. We trust our car's brakes. We trust our history books, our medical books, and we trust elevators. Yet elevators can let us down. History books can be wrong. Planes can crash. How much more then should we trust the sure and true promises of Almighty God. He will never let us down . . . if we trust Him.
Audience: SMACK THE NOMINALIST! SMACK THE NOMINALIST!
Hume: Sorry Ray - we've well and truly got you there. You are trying to conflate 'faith' in a weather forecast with 'faith' in God. Two different things, mate. Do I trust the weather forecast? Kind of; I live in England so it's always a bit random. But weather forecasts are based on evidence. Is your faith in God? No. Do I trust history books? As an erstwhile professional scholar, I would say that it depends which history book. But we can analyse, interpret and verify historical sources and come away with a BETTER picture of what happened. Do this to holy books and the whole tottering edifice comes crashing down. Do I trust pilots? Yes, knowing that they are trained and experienced and that there is a risk involved. Can you show me your God's qualifications before I trust him, please?
[Zorb surfaces to show his "Susstifikut in y'all Kreeyaishun Saiyuns, d'ye hear?" from the Kent Hovind Institute, which is suspiciously ragged and bloodstained along one edge]
RayC: I have often heard cynics say, "The Bible is full of mistakes." It is.
Hume: Yo! He admits it!
RayC: The first mistake was when man rejected God, and the Scriptures show men and women making the same tragic mistake again and again.
[Audience groan with disappointment at another piece of brazen nominalism, and wonder if RayC was trained as a lawyer]
RayC: That means that in a world where we are continually let down, we can totally rely on, trust in, and count on His promises. They are sure, certain, indisputable, true, trustworthy, reliable, faithful, unfailing, dependable, steadfast, and an anchor for the soul. In other words, you can truly believe them, and because of that, you can throw yourself blindfolded and without reserve, into His mighty hands. He will never, ever, let you down. Do you believe that?
Audience: Nah!
[Hume pulls the lever and deposits RayC into the gunge, where Zorb, after biting him a bit on general principles, sends him back to be fattened up with Chilled Margharitas and Super-hot Tortilla Chips that he may be a worthy sacrifice]
Hume: That's all for now folks, see you next time!