TARCHON

<roll the cheesy music, enter Hume in spangly jacket>

Hi folks, and welcome to 'Smack the Nominalist'

<applause>

And unusually, on the show today, we have an atheist contestant. Welcome Tarchon!

<applause, Kira - this time wearing cheesy grin, big hair and sneakers to replace those uncomfortable high heels, leads Tarchon to the chair>

So Tarchon, I gather you're going to make a statment about relativity?

Tarch: "If everything is relative, then relativity is an absolute. "

Audience: Oooh! Aaah! What the f---'s he on about?

Hume: So if I've got this straight, Tarch - even though relativity means no straight lines of course - <audience laughs on cue> you seem to be saying that having dismissed all absolutes, you're allowing the absence of absolutes to stand as a metaphysical absolute itself?

Audience: Ooh! Aah! That's even worse!

Tarch: <sweats>

Hume: What shall we do with him folks?

Audience: ! ! !

<Hume pulls red lever and deposits Tarchon AND himself into the tank>

Hume: <surfacing> That's all for now folks! See you next week!