|
This started life on the alt.atheism newsgroup. It is a collection of mind-numbingly dim things that believers have said. Obviously, it is not meant to represent the beliefs of all theists, just the tiny minority that speak before thinking, usually with hilarious results. Just a bit of self-indulgent atheist fun at the expense of theists. Theists are, of course, more than welcome to join in and submit stupid and funny things that atheists have said (with the exception of things like "God does not exist"). What is your favourite piece of unsubstantiated hogwash from a theist? Mine would have to be from a Jehovah's Witness I knew -
|
"God created dinosaurs when he created man. But he kept them on one side of the earth while he kept Adam and Eve on the other side. Then he killed off all of the dinosaurs and hurled their bodies to the other side of the planet, tilting the planet on its axis. And that's why the earth revolves around the sun - the impact from God's dinosaurs tilted earth into its rotation."
From: (Adam T. Jewell)
On IRC when I threw out the question on #christian, "can someone puhleeeeez
explain to me how they dinosaurs fit into this whole bible thing" the words
"they must have drowned in the flood, how else could they have been fossilized?"
scrolled across my screen.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" from me immediatly followed.
From: (Gene Johannsen)
Mine would have to be the ``If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me.'' I thought it was just a joke, until Brice promulgated it as well.
From: (Jim Byrd)
Here's a rather revolting example: This came up in a discussion about the American wars against the Indians in the 19th century. It was said that it was a good thing that all those Indians were killed; otherwise, all those children would have grown up, died, and gone to hell.
From: (Jason Rosendale)
I hung out on a Fidonet echo for a while. I collected a large number of quotes, which I subsequently used as taglines when replying to the people quoted therein. Here's a few of my favorites:
"I think the Zapruder film was arranged [by] Jesus, so that this particular 'terrible head wound' would be seen by the whole word for over 3 decades." [John Prewett]
"Exactly what do you find? Millions of dead fossils buried in the dirt all around the earth (AND DON'T TELL ME THAT THIS IS NOT THE CASE!) We found a fossil in NEW YORK! (Don't know what creature it was though)." [Ralph Jansen]
"Most white people can get seriously mutated by just 5 hours of constant direct sunlight." [James Conwell]
"yet the Resus monkey can hold a conversation in English once his vocal cords are alterd" [sic, sic, and sic: James Conwell]
"So, how come there are no "talking snakes" nowadays?" ... "Because you are not righteous enough to hear them talk." [Raoul Newton]
[in response to 'The Bible says that hares chew the cud', which they don't] "And exactly what did the hare look like back then? Did they have a cud in the old testiment?" [Kenneth McAbee]
"I predict/prophecy in Jesus name that: John F. Kennedy will publicly reappear, amaze the world, and is in fact the "beast" of the Revelation." [John Prewett]
"I know another preacher who, along with his church, prayed that the LORD would help a pot of noodles last through a social dinner, not only did they last, not only did several take home a container full of noodles, but the containers always stayed full. Finally, they had to throw them out, after thanking the LORD of course." [Jerry Randall]
"I know it isn't the fetus's fault, but the mother shouldn't have had an abortion if she didn't want the baby to go to hell." [Jim Staal]
"I've good my brain on top of my head." [sic, sic, and sic: Raoul Newton]
"Think about the bio-mass involved [with the Biblical flood]. What happened to all the corpses?" "Sharks, for one." [Raoul Newton]
"When they landed on the beach, coconuts started to land around them - big ones. They were being thrown by a demon possessed man in a tree." [Peter Sawyer]
"Take a hard look at the Grand Canyon. Try to explain that through evolution." [Freddie Cash]
Dr. Angee
In article <3tshm4$ekj>, BriceW (Brice Wellington ) writes: |> In Ade The Shade |> <adrian> writes: |> > |> >He didn't do a good job, then did he? Why are sperm so |> >inefficient? Only one is needed to fertilise the egg, and yet |> >millions are used and destroyed. |> |> All the sperm are used, some are guards to block foreighn objects of |> other sperm from getting to the egg. |> |> >Why not just make one really big one? |> |> Because she has to digest it. |> |> BriceW Somebody needs a very very really really basic course in human sexual biology. A hint Brice: the vagina does not connect to the woman's stomach, duodenum, or intestinal tract. eric_williams
Ade The Shade wrote: : Excuse me, Brice. : Do you think Jesus was WHITE? Do you think Jesus was a caucasian? : Also, do you think Jesus spoke english? I believe Jesus was white/caucasian. Jesus spoke english, being the son of GOD Jesus knew all languages. After Jesus was baptised and fasted many powers were bestowed on him. His first miricle came after he was baptised. BriceW
Don't Masturbate. It's a no-no and can
cause rape, insanity, or bodily damage."
-- Brice Wellington
Anybody who comes accross this loon on talk.atheism or alt.atheism will know
what he's like. His views are bizarre, extremist, unchangable and invariably
hilarious (unintentionally). He has almost no grasp of science, biology, spelling,
grammar or even his own religion.
You could fill gigabytes with the incredible things he comes out with. It is
worth seeking him out for a debate, but don't get too involved, you'll end up
ripping your hair out in despair.
You can get all the info on Brice you need at the Brice FAQ page
A couple of classic gems from John Boatwright, in alt.atheism (I don't make this stuff up, really) :
"Again, you forget the constant light that the earth recieved from the big bang gas cloud that eventually enveloped the earth."
"Proto star? Like that hard as nails Jupiter that you said was a fluffy gas ball??? Too funny. Jupiter is SOLID, just view the Shoemaker-Levy 9 comet impacts ON THE SURFACE!!! Astronomers just don't keep up."
"There was only Earth prior to the Big Bang. Just like God said."
"IN FACT: I'll just state here and now, that particle accelerators (if anything) should be suffcient to start up another "big bang" "
A study has been made into the physics in Boatwright's universe, check out Boaxford University.
Also from alt.atheism
"We are homo sapiens, you can consider yourself a primate, however I don't." - zoner
And from the excellent J<censored>y on alt.atheism and talk.origins:
"The ostrich is a symbol created by God."
"We say that light can be instant just as it appears instant when you flick a switch."
"I have the videotape that proves the Bible. The rest I assume on faith."
"> we can see the evidence for the big bang" [- w3fh]
"You mean noise? I thought astronomers recently proved this wrong."
"There have been triple blind studies and plants that hear about God grow a better crop" - Timothy Sutter
There is now an Alt.Atheism Related website, which holds a monthly competition for stupid/funny/moving quotes. Well worth checking out.
After my father died, my devout Roman Catholic mother was in a habit of having masses said for him, to erase his venial sins and get him out of Purgatory faster. We lived in a small town on the US/Canadian border. One day she said she was driving over to a monastery just across the border in Canada. Unfortunately I inquired "why?"
She proceeded to tell me the Canadian dollar was worth less than the American dollar. She could buy five masses (at a dollar each) in Canada for what she paid for three masses in the US. More masses = more graces = Dad gets out of Purgatory earlier. By the way, how much is your going rate for masses for the deceased in the UK ? Do the graces fluctuate daily with the exchange rate ? If it's a bargain I'll tell mom.
On a talk-show recently, I think it was Sally Jesse Raphael, they were doing a "My Teen is Out Of Control" episode. A mother was in tears at the way her daughter was treating her, despite all her efforts to raise the girl correctly. The mother said, through her sobs,
"I think... I think God is punishing me for being a good mother."
From Damien Gillings, via email:
"In a issue of Ride magazine(freestyle bmx) in the letter of the month section the mother of a 13 year old reader claims that the publication is satanic because in an interview with a rider in a previous edition the guy being interviewed put down "no religion" in the space for religious belief. She believed her son would go to hell for reading that someone else had no religion!"
From David Wang:
"In Genesis, God explained the world in a simple way so the ancient people can understand it."
From Amanda Race
Just wanted to let everyone enjoy the humor from my family....
My uncle who knows I'm an atheist questioned my beliefs when
he saw me looking for a picture of a sheep.
"You mean someone who don't believe in god, believes in sheep."
I think I laughed at him for at least 10 minutes straight.
This other one came up in a discussion with my mother's b.f.
on whether going to college made me an atheist.
"All you educated people stop believing in god."
I then continued with his logic.....so that makes you what?
From Noel Verzosa
Just thought I'd pitch in my two cents on absurd things that theists have said... I was having a conversation with a theist who apparently was trying to put a new twist on the Ontological Argument; she said, "Excuse me, but doesn't God have to exist before you can not believe in Him?"
From deebate
I almost hate to tell this on my very sweet, but very innocent, aunt. One night we were outside and I was pointing out the various stars and saying about how far away they were. She was amazed and having the time of her life until, suddenly, she got a frown on her face and asked, "But then, where is heaven?"
From Kali
His logic for believing in god: "It's in the bible!" I said, "If the bible proves God exists, then comics prove marmaduke exists." His reply: "Comics weren't written back then!" Hes a whacko.....newly converted too
Nimbo, from my Message Board, believes that early potty-training is the cause of World Wars I and II :
"Nonetheless, in that God can incite men to make war (viz. Pharoh, et al., whose heart He "hardened", I would not doubt His capacity to twitch our mechanisms (which He made) by too early toilet training to create a society of such pathological cleanliness that it would seek to rid itself of other humans viewed as less than they, and create a major world war in the process. They attempted to "wipe" them out, so to speak. Similar to the effect of using toilet paper in their infantile minds, I posit. Hence, we had two world wars, and one immense cold war with over 20,000,000 killed by Stalin, whose country also shared that bizarre "inspection biased" toilet design."
From Skibumnbp
I was having a class dicussion whislt the teacher was out of the room. Some of the students had read some of the pins on my bag and decided to take some potshots at my beliefs. One particularly stupid young man said, "You are stupid to not believe in god. Why do so many believe in god if he doesn't exist." To which I replied, "Religion is a tool used to wield power and it benifits those in power to keep as many people under their hand as possible. The vatican is a supreme example of this." To which he replied, "Whatever the hell vaticans are." I ended the conversation because I couldn't stop laughing.
Starman3000 on the ChristiansAreUs forum said
"Dinosaurs and vegetation are a source of the fossil fuels which we use today. If dinosaurs had been suffocated, their carcasses would have dried up and shriveled away like beef jerky. Vegetation would have withered and dried up, disintegrated and been blown away with the wind. The conditions would not have been right for the formation of fossil fuels as we have today. "
kenny, from the Mind Of Ray message board :
Frankly, to commit murder of another for any reason is atheistic as only an atheist can imagine gaining anything from such an action and any person of any religion who has normal faculty is quite afraid to commit murder except sometimes as self-defense or in the infrequent case of "holy war". Aperson who claims religion as he commits murder is just another cynical atheist adding dishonesty to his crime.
From "thefatman":
The following T.H is transcripted from a german Xtian youngsters
chat where I sometimes debate with some fundies. I tried to translate
it ( first from Jerkish to German, then to English ) so the original grammar
is ( surprise, surprise ) not intact. Anyway, here it comes: (
it's all from one debate with a single Xtian )
After the usual first words, I asked him why God didn' t stop the Nazis from killing 6 million Jews during the Holocaust :
He: " Because the nazis followed Satan more than God.
"
I: " So Satan is stronger than God? "
He: " God allows Satan to reign over the earth because the first men
chose Satan. "
Later, this followed:
He: " And how do you explain the healings I' ve witnessed?
See, you can' t! "
I: " Of course, most, if not all, are just shows! "
He " And why can I speak a language that I' ve never learned? "
I: " OK, speak! "
He: " I can' t write. "
I: " lol "
He: " I can' t even understand it. "
( more laughing from me )
I: " What does it sound like? "
He: " It' s a prayer language " ( here, he used the term "
Gebetssprache " Never heard it? Me too. )
I: " What? "
He " A language of prayer."
Unfortunately, he quit the chat minutes later.
From Kirby Clause :
One day, I get four wrong numbers. I go back to sleep. Another ring on the telly gets me out of bed again. "What do you #%$*ers want?", I ask. "Do you know why there are more earthquakes and crime in the world today?", is the response.
****
When I worked retail, I worked with a particularly stupid person. She just happened to be a theist. She came in to work one day and announced that the previous night's heat lightning motivated her to call the police to save her because God's army was coming through their hole in the sky and it was the end of the world. A)We know what the other side of the clouds look like. With the stars intact, how could it be considered 'the sky openning'. B1)What are the cops going to do about it? "Angels of War, that's a code one-niner. Best break out the immortal killing, anti-holy wrath guns." B2)What are the cops going to do about it when the 'governments of the world' are supposed to be tools of Satan? (She was a Christian) "Sure, we can save you from the angels...for your immortal soul!"
From Pete The Hamster :
While I was away I decided to take Pot and Andy to Ocean city for Easter, and we met a delightful cousin-in-law who was, to put it kindly, a bit "slow". We invited her to dinner and she offered to say the prayer, and Pot said, "You can pray if you want to, Patty, but we don't believe in any gods, so please don't hold it against us if we don't join you." Patty required an explanation, of course, and after a few minutes of, "Well, who do you think made all THIS?", etc., she loudly proclaimed,"Well, you don't believe in Jesus, or God or anything? You're a bunch of damn *DEMOCRATS*!" Pot replied,"Don't you mean *atheists*?", poorly concealing her amusement. Patty asked, "What's that?"
"And while you may have come from an animal, i sure as hell didnt." - trevelin8, on the subject of evolution.
From Hume-anist :
Funniest conversation I've ever had with a Muslim (I'm remembering
rather than transcribing from tape, but I swear this was the gist of it)...
Muslim: All other religions that worship idols are wrong.
Hume: In what way?
M: They bow down to lumps of rock. Can't you see that's wrong?
H: And when *you* pray, what do *you* pray to?
M: We pray to Allah!
H: So since Allah is everywhere, it doesn't matter which way you face?
M: We must face Mecca.
H: And if you're *in* Mecca, which way do you face?
M: We face the Ka'abah
H: And what *is* the Ka'abah?
M: It's this huge rock...
From Dougie Lockheart:
A couple of true stories for your web pages. My web page is
at
www.graupius.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk
(1) Ruthless logic
A few years ago I was driving to work in my car listening to the morning news.
A Roman Catholic bishop from somewhere in the north of England was being interviewed
on the topic of contraception. It was quite clear that he thought it was a
very bad thing; he recommended instead sexual abstinence, even within marriage.
Probably feeling clever, the interviewer asked if he would recommend abstinence
instead of use of a condom in the case of a married couple where one partner
had contracted AIDS from a contaminated blood transfusion.
Of course, said the bishop.
Isnt that rather unreasonable? asked the interviewer.
Not at all, replied the bishop, unperturbed, - its not for long, as the one
with AIDS will be dead soon.
(2) Sins of the owner
My mother was a very devout Roman Catholic. After my father died we moved
to a house where our next-door neighbour, also a widow, became a close friend
to my mother. However, in spite of a friendship which lasted many years, this
lady had in my mothers eyes two important defects: she was a Protestant, and
she kept a large number of cats. As my mother enjoyed gardening, you can at
least go with her on the second point.
After a time my older sister decided that she wanted to own a dog. My mother
was unenthusiastic, but after much patient persuasion allowed a dog to be
acquired. Oh well, she finally conceded, maybe it'll kill some of those Protestant
cats from next door.
Sent in by "Just Me" :
Heard on a Christian Radio Program November 2001: "God
is a lousy gardener. Have you seen how things look when he does it all by
himself? That's why God needs people."
From "Dan": "All you need is the Bible, nothing more. No one
needs to be there to teach you about God." ("Dan, I find the Bible
putrid. Most of those laws are disgusting and cruel.") "Oh, but
your church can tell you what is expected of you today reguarding those things."
Also from "Dan" (his famous opening line to new people): "I'm
sorry someone who called themself a Christian did something bad to you and
made you hate God..." (Usually said to atheists)
Also from "Dan": "God talks to me through the television."
From an Atheist/Theist debate in Arizona, 2001: "I have heard the voice
of God." "What does God sound like?" "A baritone."
From "Professor Mbuto" of Africa, Psycho Dave's recreational religion
phorums: "The theory of evolution has created homosexuality."
From "Mandy Moore", Psycho Dave's recreational religion: "The
politically correct term for atheists is 'left behind'." (Hated to tell
her she that if I was currently left behind, so was she....)
From unnamed freeper on the Anti-Pat Robertson/Christian Coalition message
board: "You guys just hate Pat Robertson because he supports the Conservative
Republicans."
From "RollingRock" on the Anti-Pat Robertson/Christian Coalition
message board: "Where does the Bible say I have to be nice?"
Seen on MANY message boards: "God is mentioned 12 times in the U.S. Constitution."
(God is not mentioned once in the U.S. constitution)
Heard out loud. "But the Earth HAS to be flat! How else could I see the
horizon?"
On Brother Jed's board: "I think sin is when we use our reason instead
of giving our full trust to God."
Also on Brother Jed's board: "I have been given the power to judge."
From unknown message board: "But God did create everything. How do you
think you got here." "Well, first mommy kissed daddy...."
From Diana :
I got myself into an argument with some dip on the SecWeb a
couple of months back who insisted that I acknowledge the birth and death
of Jesus every time I write the date. When I politely told him that our current
calendar was created in the third or fourth century (I forget now) by a monk
who "calculated" when Jesus must have been born as an official start
date, and therefore this proves nothing, the Clueless One, ignoring my appeal
to reason, responded with, "Oh yeah? What do you think AD stands for?
It means AFTER DEATH." After gracing him with an on-line belly laugh,
I pointed out that BC means Before Christ, so what did he use to denote the
time Christ actually lived? DL? During Life?
Unfortunately, he left, never to return.
From Helen Parry:
I was having lunch with a French couple with a conventional
catholic upbringing when the husband said suddenly,
You know. All this stuff about Jesus - there's no proof. There's no evidence
even that he ever lived.
His wife cut in,
You don't believe in him them. But what about the Virgin Mary? The immaculate
conception?
O that's a different matter. Of course I believe in them.
I don't know what you think Adrian, but it seems to me to be the virgin mother of a nonexistant son is within the reach of any woman.
© Adrian Barnett 1998-2001
