Vatican announces "Millennium Issue" Eucharist wafer designs

In an attempt to broaden the appeal of the Catholic Church and encourage more people to partake of Holy Communion, the Vatican has released details of several new Communion Wafers, to be used alongside the traditional Host. The new wafers are already in production, and will be distributed in time for the year 2000 celebratory Masses to be held in almost every nation. "This is an exciting move forward for the Church, and we hope it will go some way to dismissing our image as being old-fashioned and dull. Personally, I voted for the cheese-topped wafers, but unfortunately they weren't chosen for the final selection.", Cardinal Vincenzi told our reporter.

There has been considerable protest from traditionalists against changing the format of the Host, but the Vatican is trying to reassure them that the new versions are purely optional, and the old-style "Classic" wafer will still be produced, the only change being the addition of supplementary vitamins and iron. The press release from Rome makes it clear that there really is no conflict with traditional doctrine in the change of the Host, as it is still miraculously converted to the Flesh of Jesus Christ upon consumption. The shape, composition, size and flavour of the wafers cause no problems for the miracle of transubstantiation, as long as the original un-transformed wafer is a tasty, bite-size morsel to begin with.

New Designs

• Classic - the traditional Host wafer remains unchanged (apart from the addition of essential vitamins and minerals, which are believed to smooth the transition to human flesh)
• Raisin-filled - taking note of the success of various breakfast cereals, this wafer has a plump, juicy raisin inserted into it during the manufacturing stage, to appeal to the health-conscious communee.
• Choc-chip - sprinkled with delicious chips of yummy dark chocolate, this Host is a great introduction wafer for beginners.
• Teddy - same as the Classic wafer, but pre-cut into a cute teddy-bear shape, for the younger members of the congregation. An excellent way to entice recalcitrant kiddies to Church on a cold Sunday.
• Piccante - flavoured with black pepper and chili, this gives the miracle more of a gastronomic kick.
• Inspirational - embossed with short Bible verses, and Holy or humourous messages such as "I died for you", "Don't bite me" and "I am LORD".

Designs which did not make it to the final list include the "Tazo-wafer" (with six slots cut around the edge so that the wafers can be collected and fitted together into interesting geometric shapes), the "Convertor" (wafers in the shape of the symbols of other religions, such as the Star Of David of Judaism, the crescent moon of Islam, and the pentagram of Wicca), the "Smiley Face" wafer and the "Saints Special" (depicting the brutal deaths of several of the more popular martyrs).

Commercial suggestions had also been turned down, to the chagrin of many large corporations who saw the enormous advertising potential of buying space for their logo on the millions of wafers consumed each week by possible future customers. McDonalds, Coca-Cola and Microsoft made the biggest bids (with slogans such as "Where do you want to go today? Heaven or Hell?" having been prepared in advance). Unofficially, the corporations have expressed disappointment at their failure to take a small piece of the trillions of dollars the Church makes each year.

The new wafers are expected to tempt lapsed Catholics back to church, to sample the new and interesting ways of communing with their deity, and the wafers will be advertised on billboards near churches offering them, to raise awareness and hopefully bring in the casually religious among the general public. There will even be a form of "loyalty card" scheme, whereby a card is stamped for each of the new wafers that a person uses. When the card is full, they will receive a special limited-edition Crucifix-shaped wafer to take home and cherish, no doubt to the envy of their friends and neighbours.

Commentators have said that "if this new wafer doesn't halt the decline in church attendance and perceived irrelevance of religion in modern life, then I don't know what will".

Amen to that!