Time Cube

The universe is a spinning cube of time. Or something. Apparently everyone in the world is wrong, apart from this guy. If you can even get a vague hint of what he's talking about, you deserve a medal.

Sample quote:
Human metamorphosis has 4-corner lifetime stages known as baby,child, parent and grandparent. Bible-god equates 1-corner and bare Earth for children. 4-corner Truth is ineffable and no self or god can speak Truth. Only baby is born.Adult is not born. Without metamorphosis - no adults.

Jack Chick Tracts

Jack Chick creates and publishes little comic-book pamphlets explaining why atheists, homosexuals, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Mormons, evolutionary scientists and just about everyone else are evil and hellbound, and the only way to save yourself is to agree with his particular view of the world. Many of these insane rants are funny for all the wrong reasons. Also see the Jack Chick Parody Archive.

Sample quote:
"We love people of all religions. In fact, we love them enough to want to show them the joy of knowing the True Creator. We are unwilling to lie to them and say that all gods are real, when we know this is not true. We are not being intolerant, but compassionate, desiring to help them find both joy in this life, and eternal life beyond. To do anything else would be dishonest."

Society For The Practical Establishment And Perpetuation Of The Ten Commandments

Deranged rants about politics, religion, satan, atheists and homosexuals. You know, the usual stuff.

Sample quote:
"His righteous Laws are the only ones which have ever and will ever exist that can definitely work for the total good of every society. Any people who reject His most perfect and holy Laws, that is, the TEN COMMANDMENTS, do so to both their corporeal destruction and eternal damnation. "

Conan Thunder Warrior Group

Not much of a webpage, unfortunately. These guys belong to a strange sort of philanthropic bodybuilder end-times cult. God is going to "attract" millions of dollars to them, which they will use to train orphans in speed-reading, critical thinking (!) and (of course) body building. They excitedly look forward to the coming Armageddon, in which they will fight for good with the spirit of God (sort of like Jedi Knights).

Sample quote:
"A thought; a time; a fleeting moment. Doors of the perception of the mind open and close on hinges of imaginational silence. We see and we remember! Then a sudden distraction and we forget yet again. Amazing the life we live. It is getting more and more obvious that we are attempting to remember that which we have always known. Infinity in all directions; a living, breathing universe with an eye of awareness for each and every love filled atom. "

(I've collected some of the sayings from the message board where I encountered "Warrior Seer", one of the group.)

CAP Alert

A Christian movie-review service (although they prefer to say movie "analysis"). They examine movies in detail to determine how well they score for Christian-ness, and rate them according to violence, hate, sex/homosexuality, drugs, offence to God and murder/suicide. Reading through their reviews, it becomes apparent that they often don't even try to follow the storyline (which may justify some of the things they object to) but just count up all the "hits" on their scorechart. For example, their review of The Matrix says :

"The quintessential 'hero' is "the one" -- a modern Moses that has the answer to an unanswerable question. The hero was even portrayed as believing himself incapable of leading humanity out of from under the control of the computer Pharaoh. A little deeper inspection into the plot might even lead the observer to believe the producers were casting the central hero as Jesus. A most uncomfortable picture to paint before a Christian. .. A most sly movie......sly almost to invisibility about its position regarding the King of kings and Lord of lords, about His Authority, AND about our subservience to it."

The list of things on which The Matrix was marked down includes:

falls, graphic invasion of a human body by "mirror matter", exploding human preceded by rippling of his flesh, coaching to avoid fair authority, bar room with booze, Seven uses of God's name in vain with the four letter expletive and 5 without, mystic transcendental nonsense.

Hollywood Jesus

A Christian movie-review site which attempts to find hidden spiritual (i.e. Christian) meaning in movies. They have a large archive of reviews, where you can find out how "The Truman Show" or "Aliens" have secret Christian symbology and messages embedded in them.

Sample quote (from the review of 'The Phantom Menace'):
"There are lots of parallels to the Bible. Anakin has no father says his mother (suggestion of 'virgin born' like Christ. However, as it will turn out he does have a father. Lukas says there are hints to his identity). He is a slave hoping some day to set his people free, like Moses. Jedi Knight Qii-Gon Jinn believes that Anakin is the chosen one (Christ) and proclaims his belief as John the Baptist did of Christ. Anakin has a unique connection to the Force, as Jesus did to the Holy Spirit. "

The Natural Law Party

A political party which feels that problems such as crime and unemployment can be adequately dealt with by hordes of loonies bouncing up and down on matresses, believing that they are somehow "flying" and emiting positive radiation waves which make the world a better place (this is probably not how they would describe it themselves, of course).

Jasmuheen

A "breatharian", she (apparently) sincerely believes that human beings need neither food nor water to live, but can be nourished purely through "prana" or God's Light. This will no doubt come as a surprise to the thousands of people starving throughout the world - if only they could afford to buy her books and videos...

Sample quote:
"One of the beliefs that I have personally encountered repeatedly in Western culture is that "if you don't eat you will die". Yet myself and many others choose not to eat and still we exist in physical form, in healthy bodies that are highly energised and require minimal sleep. Living purely on the light of the divine spark within is very provable, for if you cease to eat you either live or die. If you live then that is proof of the power of the mind and beliefs to create as limitlessly as we can give ourselves permission to."

I Am Jesus Christ

A loon who believes he is Jesus "in the genes". The website is quite difficult to read as he writes in incredibly long, rambling sentences with little or no punctuation. Also includes a lengthy list of miracles and signs that back up his delusion. Oh, and all products are colour coded for sinister reasons. So now you know.

Sample quote:
"Drinking cokes and drinks with caffeine and eating junk food seems to be considered sin and health sin and Ted is tempted and tormented when doing what many think are minor things and coffee is brown and most caffeine drinks are brown and packaged with certain colors and that are considered more Evil color combinations and this is and was done for a reason."

Demon Buster

Everything bad (and a few good things) are not only caused by, but actually are real live demons. This includes the demons known as :

ANTI SUBMISSIVENESS, QUARRELING, DOMINANCE, DAYDREAMING, HEADACHE, DEATH, CONFUSION, THEATRICS, SADNESS, UNITARIANISM, MORMONISM, JESUS ONLY , NOSE BLEED, MUSIC COUNTRY and DEJAVU

The Enterprise Mission

Richard Hoagland is one of the guys who promoted (and still promotes) The Face On Mars, as well as other "life on Mars", UFO and Egyptology nonsense. Publishes many books and videos, and is very active in the space-alien-conspiracy arena. The solar system appears to be littered with alien artifacts, and Hoagland is the guy to explain them to you. Specialises in examining fuzzy images from NASA space missions and finding all sorts of ruined buildings in them, as well as geometric clues to lost civilisations. Also into other kookery like Reverse Speech.

Sample quote:
What we have found is an extraordinary set of links to the notion that our modern calendar is indeed designed around the literal motion of Sirius -- to the exclusion of almost all other astronomical considerations. And further, that the odd Millennial celebrations we all just witnessed -- in Giza, Washington, Paris and New York -- were overwhelmingly dedicated to the literal (if highly secret) worship of this specific, "sacred star!"

White Supremacist Groups

Too many to choose from, each one being as bigoted and ignorant as the last. Click on the image to the left to go to HateWatch, which lists white supremacists and many other online hate groups. These organisations are often Christian and anti-Semitic, as well as paranoid conspiracy theorists. Afterwards, you'll probably want to take a shower.

Sample quote (from "The Order"):
"The stronger my love for my people grew, the deeper became my hatred for those who would destroy my race, my heritage, and darken the future of my children. By the time my son had arrived, I realized that White America, indeed my entire race, was headed for oblivion unless White men rose and turned the tide."

David Icke

One time sports commentator, Icke now devotes his time to exposing the hidden facts behind the fraud we know as society. The British Royal Family, for example, are shape-changing lizard aliens from space who drink blood. (What? You already knew that?). More reptoid malarkey can be found at Reptoid.com.

Sample quote:
"You will also see references on the site to "shape-shifting", the phenomena in which witnesses have reported seeing people (most often those in positions of power), transform before their eyes, from a human form to a reptilian one and then back again. "

John P. Boatwright

A regular USENET user, Boatwright has spent years perfecting the art of Delusional Kookery. His usual response to any criticism is "Ha ha ha... God made it all, and Jesus died for our sins". All findings of science are clearly predicted in the Bible, and many images from the Hubble Space Telescope obviously depict passages from the BIble. He has a large archive of annotated images demonstrating this. He can be found in newsgroups such as talk.origins and alt.atheism. Also gets a mention in the a.a. Twit List and Kook List. There is also a summary of his ludicrous ideas about science.

Sample quote:
"Not only that, but the image was taken by the Hubble Space Telescope which has 10 times the resolution of the largest Earth based telescopes. There is absolutely no way for Joel to have seen such a vision or have any knowledge of its existence without God giving him the information."

Dr. Dino

Also known as Kent Hovind, a fairly typical young-earth creationist. With a flimsy grasp of basic science and the facts and theory of evolution, he insists that the universe is about 6000 years old and the book of Genesis should be taken as a factual account. As "Dr. Dino", he offers a $250,000 prize for anyone who can provide him with proof of evolution - but he is the one who decides whether or not the evidence should be passed on to the panel of judges (also selected by himself). For more on the good doctor, see The Wild World Of Kent Hovind and also the "Creationist Frauds" section of No Answers In Genesis.

Sample quote:
"The burden of proof is on the evolutionists if they expect all taxpayers to fund the teaching of their religion in the school system."

Jesus-Is-Lord.com

A fundamental-Christian website, with unhinged rants against Catholics, atheists, Wiccans, anyone who does not use the King James Bible, Muslims, and the rest of the world in general. It's amazing how fundies can spout so much hatred in the name of their supposedly loving deity.

Sample quote:
"What exactly happened on that cross almost 2,000 years ago? Jesus shed His blood and that blood paid for the sins of all mankind [2]. Let's talk about blood. The Blood of Jesus. ... The blood of Jesus is powerful. It is a saving, healing blood. Look at what the blood has done .... Be washed in that cleansing, crimson tide. The blood of Jesus. "

Jesus, Dinosaurs and more

A Bible-believing, anti-evolution young-Earth creationist site. For this sort of website, it actually has a quite reasonable attitude - no rants about Satan, and evolutionists being the tools of evil, or anything (although he does suggest that teaching evolution leads to suicide, murder and violence). The author simply believes creationism is right and science is wrong, and sets out to explain why. Unfortunately, along the journey he makes the usual errors and the page is filled with misconceptions about science and evolution, factual errors, and ad hoc explanations to allow him to fit the evidence to his beliefs (instead of the other way round).

Sample quotes:
"Kangaroos did not have to hop all the way from Australia to get on the ark.
Today kangaroos only live in Australia. But prior to the flood, kangaroos and other animals most likely lived near Noah’s home.
Prior to the flood, the earth may have been one large landmass. Australia did not exist in its present location. Our present continents are shaped as a result of re-disposition of flood sediments, and receding flood waters.
After the flood there were land bridges (because of a lower sea level) that connected many of the continents.
Years later, the glaciers started to melt and the water level rose. This caused many land bridges to disappear.
The animals that were on these continents would be stuck there. Keep in mind too, that many animals were brought to the United States by explorers. The same may be true for animals in Australia."

The CIA is trying to control people's minds with the sinister and mysterious MK-Ultra Project Monarch operation. Luckily, Trance Formation are here to save your very mind and expose this cruel operation.

Sample quote:
"Cathy O'Brien is the only vocal and recovered survivor of the Central Intelligence Agency's MK-Ultra Project Monarch operation. Tracing her path from child pornography and recruitment into the program to serving as a top-level intelligence agent and White House sex slave, TRANCE Formation of America is a definitive eye-witness account of government corruption that implicates some of the most prominent figures in U.S. politics. "

The Twelve Tribes Of Israel

Jesus was black. Most important people in history were black. Blacks, American Indians, Mexicans and others are the direct descendants of the original twelve tribes of Israel. The races should not mix. I saw this group first on Louis Theroux's Wierd Weekends. They claimed that in the year 2000 Jesus would return to Earth and kill the Pope. I didn't notice that happen - did you?

Sample quote:
"The Blacks (so-called Negroes), Indians (of Native American descent), and Latinos of Indian descent etc, are in actuality, all of the same lineage (NATIONALITY / RACE). According to the Bible, archeology, and anthropological studies, these people are all descendants of the ancient ISRAELITES. They are the people that were delivered from the land of Egypt, the land of their captivity, by the hands of Moses."

Immortality Rings

Want to live forever? Easy - just buy some of Alex Chiu's "immortality rings" for your fingers or toes. The magnets they contain restore the magnetic flux in your body and enhance your metabolism. These widgets will reverse the ageing process and make you young again. But be careful you don't put them on the wrong way round, or you could get sick!
I wonder if they also cure credulity...

Sample quote:
"The reason why I insist on publicizing the Eternal Life Device is because this really works!! This is the most incredible medicine in the world! I have to publicize it just for the sake of it! I have no choice but be brave and face the danger and laughter! So please don't email me insults. If I don't deserve your belief, at least I deserve your respect."

Texe Marrs

Texe produces books, video and audio tapes explaining how Satan works with the government to corrupt you and take over the world. This is a fairly standard fundy-conspiracy-endtimes website. Kooky, in a run-of-the-mill kind of way. If you want to learn about average fundy kooks, this is a good place to go. Plenty of archive material to read through as well - witches, illuminati, Satan, conspiracy theory, homosexuals all get a mention.

Sample quote:
"It's frightening, and it's real. In this stunning book, noted author Texe Marrs unravels the secrets of Project L.U.C.I.D., the covert government operation destined to devour the whole world. Soon, every person on Earth -- even newborn babies -- will be issued the universal biometrics I.D. card. Resisters will have a mind control biochip surgically implanted in their brains. The ISO 9000 program requires that all manufactured goods be controlled with the number of the beast, 666. "

God Hates Fags

The website of the Westboro Baptist Church, and the infamous Rev. Fred Phelps. There's not a lot to say about these people other than that they sick, evil and humanity would be a better place without them. These are the mindless morons who picketed Matthew Shepard's funeral, gleefully pronouncing that he was burning in hell. Another one to avoid if you are easily offended.

Sample quote:
"The Bible teaches (and experience shows) that God has given fags up. In Romans 1, it says that God has given them up to uncleanness, to vile affections, and to a reprobate mind. These perverts who are given up by God are hated by God, they will never have hope, they will continue to live as workers of iniquity, they will never have any interest in repenting (and indeed, they CAN'T repent, because it's impossible to repent of something that you're proud of), they will die in their sins, and they will burn in hell for all eternity."

The Website of Anti-Porn Guy

David does not like porn. David thinks you should go to prison just for looking at it. Birth control should be banned and you should go to jail for selling condoms. Oh, and he's not a racist but the races should not intermarry - 'cos God says so. Oh, and transvestites, adulterers and vampires should be killed. He also has some great ideas on a legally enforced national dress code and prison reform. Highly entertaining until you realise that a) he's serious, and b) he's allowed to vote and/or run for office.

Sample quote:
" I will legalize police entrapment operations so that criminals can be caught by police without fear of a lawsuit, as well as to catch potential and aspiring criminals before they actually commit a crime on their own. I also believe police "brutality" is blown out of proportion and that mild violence towards criminals from the police should be accepted. "

The Christian Gallery

Not for the young or easily offended, this is one of the most infamous and disturbing websites on the entire internet. They were partially shut down for allegedly encouraging physical assaults (including murder) on doctors and other workers at abortion clinics. They like to display close-up photos of aborted fetuses and also had a gallery of some extremely hardcore (and bizarre) pornographic images from around the net. Also home to the equally looney (and scary) Creator's Rights Party, who want their state to secede from the Union by threatening the govt. with nuclear weapons. This is the real dark side of Christian fundamentalist thinking.

Sample quote:
"I know this will come as an absolutely mind boggling idea to many citizens of the United States of America, but there are people here--lots of them--who are willing to live and die in defense of the Rights of the Creator. If you don't believe it now, unless the desecration of God's authority is arrested in the USA, you'll have the opportunity to see these people demonstrate their willingness to see God's authority restored or die trying. "