The physics of morality

Or, to be more precise, philosophical matter and anti-matter.

Most of the building blocks of nature have been discovered, with only a few bosons, quarks and neutralinos left to find. These are predicted by theory, and evidence is slowly mounting in their favour. In the meantime, however, physicists are trying to understand the "Why?" question, and not just the "How?" and "What?".

In particular, research has begun to attempt to determine what separates Good and Evil. It has long been known that Good and Evil show the appearance of being two distinct forces of nature, as many religions and other belief systems have been strongly testifying for thousands of years.

Anomalous events in cloud chambers and the enormous particle detectors at FermiLab inspired scientists to propose a new particle - the Moralion. It is hypothesized that Moralions can influence a person's morality when enough of them are absorbed. Moralions tend to produce goodness, whereas anti-moralions produce evil. When a moralion and an anti-moralion collide, they annihilate each other in a powerful burst of amorality, causing apathy amongst bystanders.

Initial tests involving strong sources of moralions and anti-moralions (a Girl Scout and a Mad Serial Killer, respectively), produced enough data to be able to adapt a normal high-speed particle accelerator to correctly handle these new particles. As you can see in the image below, the morality and anti-morality particles are first shot around the pre-accelerator before simultaneously entering the main ring. After several circuits, the particles are traveling at near-relativistic speeds when the streams are crossed in the detector unit. Enough particles should collide to produce detectable results and test the theory.

High speed morality-particle accelerator

The detector ring has been designed to cope with enormous quantities of moralions at the extremes of good and evil energy levels. This was done with the forthcoming Rapture in mind. According to many Christians, Jesus will return quite shortly to do battle with Satan, in the war of Armageddon. It is hoped that carefully shielded scientists will be able to approach the dueling deities and carefully remove a sample from each one. Alternately, the battlefield (location yet to be announced) will be searched during the apocalypse for pieces knocked off of Christ or Satan (a chuck of horn, or part of a sandal, for instance).

Matter/anti-matter collisions. Theory predicts that Christ/Satan collision events should produce similar tracks in cloud chambers. Note the crosses at the top left of photo.

Ideally, both Christ and Satan could be captured for further study, and a Working Committee is investigating the feasibility of this proposal. It is thought that some religious leaders might raise objections to the idea of their Creator being hurled for miles in a vacuum inside a magnetic tube before smashing into his arch-enemy at the speed of light, but the advancement of science has always had to put up with such Luddites and nay-sayers. It should be pointed out to such pessimists that their Creator is immortal after all, and is therefore unlikely to come to much permanent harm. They should be more concerned at the possible damage to the expensive and delicate equipment caused by any large chunks of intestine, pointy tail or beard that fail to react in the detection chamber.

These premium samples will be transported (in special containers, to prevent those nearby from succumbing to their adverse effects) to the Accelerator, where they will be finely ground and then shot at each other at speeds reaching that of light. The collision should generate enough energy to gain startling insights into the basic structure of Good and Evil.

One possible technological advance from this important research would be the development of materials that interact with moralions, allowing the creation of shielding which could protect users from the harmful effects of excessive moralion/anti-moralions sources, such as insane dictators, religious cults and fundamentalists, and advertising executives.